Not looking for advice - ProTeacher Community




Home Join Now Search My Favorites
Help


      Teachers' Lounge


Not looking for advice

>

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Can't Decide
 
 
Guest

Can't Decide
 
 
Guest
Not looking for advice
Old 07-13-2019, 08:39 PM
  #1

I'm not looking for advice. I just need a place to be. It's been a hard day. A brother told me today I wasn't a member of the family (I am adopted). He's not the only one to feel this way. My name is never on the family tree. I was abandoned as a baby, and as a foster child, no one thought to take pictures of me because I wasn't a real part of anyone's family. I was shunned by my grandparents because I wasn't a real member of the family. So I was often ignored. So hearing him say this really cut me to my core. I am often left out of plans because I am single and childless. All the siblings do things together because they have spouses and children; I don't. It's the same with so-called friends. I am left out of activities because I'm single. But through Twitter, FB, and Instagram, I manage to find out about that beach trip or birthday party I wasn't invited to.

I've never been wanted and it began with my conception. I was an abandoned baby nobody wanted and that pattern seems to have continued throughout my life. When your father looks at you and says, "You sure are ugly," or your mother looks at you and tells you you're unappealing, it kinda hurts, you know? I know I can't change people's feelings or perceptions of me, but I wish I could.

Thanks for reading.


  Reply With Quote

tctrojan's Avatar
tctrojan tctrojan is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,316
Senior Member

tctrojan
 
tctrojan's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,316
Senior Member
no advice
Old 07-14-2019, 12:21 AM
  #2

just a feeling of sympathy and compassion. I am so sorry you had to, and continue to experience this. I am sending you good thoughts and virtual hugs.
tctrojan is offline   Reply With Quote
noonespecial noonespecial is online now
 
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 826
Senior Member

noonespecial
 
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 826
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 02:35 AM
  #3

My heart is breaking for you. I can’t imagine living through what you have.

Know that there is something seriously wrong with your family.

I know you said no advice, but I am hoping you are in counseling or can find a good counselor.

I am so sad, hurt, and angry for you. Know that we are always here for you.
noonespecial is online now   Reply With Quote
twin2 twin2 is online now
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 15,090
Senior Member

twin2
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 15,090
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 03:40 AM
  #4

I can't help but wonder the dynamics of this family that treats you badly. This family may be dysfunctional and that is why you feel left out and unwanted. For anyone to say anything to hurt you, they may have insecure feelings too. I wonder how they treat each other in general.

My husband came from a dysfunctional home. I could never understand why they spent so much time together when their gatherings were followed by them trashing each other. On the surface they looked like one big happy family. Over the years I learned that their were issues with how they felt about and treated one another.

Don't ever let social media convince you that things are perfect with members of your family. Posts tend to show the best of things and hide the rest. We took our grandkids on a camping trip recently. I posted some pictures, but in reality I was very disappointed. It was.the hottest weekend of.the summer. I spent two evenings by the campfire basically alone. I constantly had to walk the dog around the back of the camper to.distract her so.she wouldn't bark at those who rode golf carts. She still barked most of the time. On our walk, she tried to go into the fish pond. My one grandson wanted to skip rocks and did several times when we were not looking. My husband spent too much time talking to.other adults, leaving me alone on the weekend we were to spend together... The list list goes on, but Facebook didn't reflect it.

Oh, one of my blood daughter has always felt unloved and as an adult things aren't much better. We do love her very much. She is disappointed in life and I think she feels she disappoints us. Birth child or not, a feeling that you don't belong can happen to anyone.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I hope things get better for you.
twin2 is online now   Reply With Quote
msd2
 
 
Guest

msd2
 
 
Guest

Old 07-14-2019, 04:08 AM
  #5

Wow. I am so sorry. They sound like they are awful, self-centered people.


  Reply With Quote
LazyLake LazyLake is offline
 
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 414
Full Member

LazyLake
 
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 414
Full Member

Old 07-14-2019, 04:46 AM
  #6

Sorry you have experienced this type of treatment.

Many people who have suffered abuse permanently remove themselves from any contact with their abusers.
LazyLake is offline   Reply With Quote
IA11's Avatar
IA11 IA11 is online now
 
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,909
Senior Member

IA11
 
IA11's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,909
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 04:51 AM
  #7

Iím sorry you are treated this way! <<<hugs!>>>

Please know that you ARE enough!
IA11 is online now   Reply With Quote
MAsped's Avatar
MAsped MAsped is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 10,918
Senior Member

MAsped
 
MAsped's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 10,918
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 04:58 AM
  #8

I really feel for you! It boggles and angers me why parents would choose to adopt, yet not treat that individual right and not make the rest of the family members do so either. After all, it was THEIR choice...they didn't have to do it.

My fiance' isn't adopted, but literally has been treated very similarly to you. His personality is different from the rest of his family of 5 other members and it's like they never knew what to do with him, how to interact, and converse. It's either lecturing, jeering, mocking, not being taken seriously, disrespected, talked down to, not valued (not just undervalued but not valued at all), and treated like "little Timmy" his entire life. His family members are all narcissists and we've done a good amount of research and all the characteristics fit them all to a 'T'. I've seen throughout the years how horrendously they've treated him.

It took him a while, but he has nothing to do with any of them, even his own mother who really showed her true colors in the last 2-3 yrs.

He doesn't really have friends either, just a few acquaintances he talks to occasionally. I don't have friends, not even anyone I talk to except my mother and a cousin on a regular basis.

I wish you contentment in your life.
MAsped is offline   Reply With Quote
TeacherPK6's Avatar
TeacherPK6 TeacherPK6 is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,096
Senior Member

TeacherPK6
 
TeacherPK6's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,096
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 05:02 AM
  #9

I am so sorry that you are feeling that way and being treated that way. No one deserves to be told they are not part of the family just because they weren't born to it! The truth is, you ARE valuable! I hope that someday soon there is someone in your life who appreciates you.
TeacherPK6 is offline   Reply With Quote
sisterwoman sisterwoman is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,058
Senior Member

sisterwoman
 
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,058
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 05:05 AM
  #10

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. As others have mentioned, social media doesnít present a true picture most of the time. Regardless, you deserve to be treated better and hopefully can find people who appreciate you. It sounds like your family has some major issues of their own. Sending virtual hugs for you.


sisterwoman is offline   Reply With Quote
chipmunky chipmunky is offline
 
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,337
Senior Member

chipmunky
 
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,337
Senior Member
If you are not looking for advice...
Old 07-14-2019, 05:38 AM
  #11

it looks like you came to the wrong place. But we are glad you felt you could share that very personal issue with us.

I am sorry that you have suffered this. You have been a victim of emotional abuse your whole life. I think you will be fine because you are a strong person to be able to go through this and still be functioning.

I think it would help you a great deal if you would seek the counsel of a therapist who specializes in this type of problem-emotional abandonment and emotional abuse . I know therapy looks expensive, but most have a sliding fee scale and many accept insurance. This therapy could help you process what your childhood did to you and how you can move on to become happier.

You can see by the responses above that if we were in your real life and you shared this with us, we would embrace you and we would make sure you had us as a circle of friends to spend holidays with and to be there for you when you felt down. I believe you have people like us around you now. You just don't recognize which ones they are. I think through therapy you will have the skills to find those people and yes, you will never change those "family" members because they are sick, but you can find people who will see the beauty in you and will stand by you.
chipmunky is offline   Reply With Quote
sbslab's Avatar
sbslab sbslab is online now
 
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 4,626
Senior Member

sbslab
 
sbslab's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 4,626
Senior Member
No advice...
Old 07-14-2019, 05:42 AM
  #12

... so sending healing thoughts to ease your mind & virtual hugs to fill your soul.
sbslab is online now   Reply With Quote
amiga13's Avatar
amiga13 amiga13 is online now
 
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 16,465
Senior Member

amiga13
 
amiga13's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 16,465
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 06:27 AM
  #13

Iím so very sorry for how youíve been treated, and I hope you will consider and internalize (as we all should) these brilliant words from LazyLake:
Quote:
Many people who have suffered abuse permanently remove themselves from any contact with their abusers.
amiga13 is online now   Reply With Quote
Shelby3 Shelby3 is offline
 
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,800
Senior Member

Shelby3
 
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,800
Senior Member
How awful
Old 07-14-2019, 07:04 AM
  #14

I'm so sorry you've been mistreated this way. I hope you've been able to make some lasting friends and build your own community away from those people.
Shelby3 is offline   Reply With Quote
EllaKate's Avatar
EllaKate EllaKate is offline
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 7,025
Senior Member

EllaKate
 
EllaKate's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 7,025
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 07:14 AM
  #15

OK, it's not YOU but your so-called family!

You've been given some great advice to seek counseling.
EllaKate is offline   Reply With Quote
MAsped's Avatar
MAsped MAsped is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 10,918
Senior Member

MAsped
 
MAsped's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 10,918
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 07:25 AM
  #16

I posted above, but wanted to add something. Another characteristic of a narcissist is that they'll pretend to be do-gooders FOR SHOW to the outside world to show that they're such great, kind people. HOWEVER, they don't really care. It's all for show. Your adopted parents/family treated you almost worse than your real parents who abandoned you. Your real parents tossed you aside and did it up front, but your adopted parents PRETENDED to love and care when they first adopted you, but didn't your entire life.

Also, why your family has made such a stigma out of you being single/childess is outrageous! My fiance's family does that to him too. So have you gone no-contact with your (adoptive) family?

Here are a few youtube videos you may want to start watching. Maybe it will give you some closure in a way on why your adoptive family has acted in this way. Narcissists' brain isn't like the average person and those who have very closely seen or experienced first-hand know it.

https://www.youtube.com/user/NarcissimSurvivor/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI-...JykzMW4Je191qQ

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKi...PggVOaGEJcl16w


A blog with numerous articles written by many experts:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/
MAsped is offline   Reply With Quote
Eagle 126 Eagle 126 is offline
 
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 124
Full Member

Eagle 126
 
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 124
Full Member

Old 07-14-2019, 08:08 AM
  #17

You are a gift to the world. Your family has not appreciated the person you are. I hope and pray that you have people in your life that do appreciate you. You truly deserve it!
Eagle 126 is offline   Reply With Quote
annie_g's Avatar
annie_g annie_g is offline
 
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,104
Senior Member

annie_g
 
annie_g's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,104
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 10:41 AM
  #18

No advice but I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly. We want you here in our PT community!
annie_g is offline   Reply With Quote
Tori58 Tori58 is online now
 
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 485
Senior Member

Tori58
 
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 485
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 11:05 AM
  #19

That's terrible! Just remember that none of this your fault or has anything to do with there being anything wrong with you. The mother that abandoned you was, no doubt, dealing with her own issues. This family that adopted you (for reasons I can't understand if this was how they were going to treat you!) obviously has issues. If it were me, I think I'd be glad that I didn't have a genetic link to people who would act like that.
Tori58 is online now   Reply With Quote
NJ Teacher's Avatar
NJ Teacher NJ Teacher is online now
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,790
Senior Member

NJ Teacher
 
NJ Teacher's Avatar
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,790
Senior Member
This is abusive treatment by your family...
Old 07-14-2019, 12:41 PM
  #20

I truly hope you are successful in finding love and personal satisfaction in other areas of your life because you ARE worth it.

I would have as little contact with these people as i could. All the adopted children I know were chosen, and the process was long and daunting. I feel so sad that you wound up with these uncaring, cruel people.

Wishing you the best and hoping you get more. You are worth it and deserve it.
NJ Teacher is online now   Reply With Quote
BioAdoptMom3 BioAdoptMom3 is offline
 
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 66,722
Senior Member

BioAdoptMom3
 
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 66,722
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 12:47 PM
  #21

My heart breaks for you. I am the mom of an abandoned baby who came to us as our newborn foster child. I cannot imagine what you are going through because she has been included among us since day one and as it is, she too feels rejected and unwanted. Having your biological parent leave you is hurtful, then you have to deal with not being included in your adoptive family. I am so sorry. I will also add that if your parents and siblings are saying those kind of things to you, they have a problem. They seriously do. It is not you. It is them! Please know that we, your PT family, are here for you!

(((HUGS)))

Nancy
BioAdoptMom3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Claire's Avatar
Claire Claire is offline
 
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 8,738
Senior Member

Claire
 
Claire's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 8,738
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 01:28 PM
  #22

I am sorry. That is terrible. It's definitely not you. It sounds like a very messed up disfunctional family.
Claire is offline   Reply With Quote
GraceKrispy's Avatar
GraceKrispy GraceKrispy is offline
 
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 38,072
Blog Entries: 1
Senior Member

GraceKrispy
 
GraceKrispy's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 38,072
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 01:48 PM
  #23

I'm so sad for you. I'm sorry you are going through this.
GraceKrispy is offline   Reply With Quote
klarabelle's Avatar
klarabelle klarabelle is offline
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 17,940
Senior Member

klarabelle
 
klarabelle's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 17,940
Senior Member

Old 07-14-2019, 02:24 PM
  #24

(((HUGS))) Please if you haven't look for a therapist that can help you see you are a person worthy of love.
klarabelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Can't Decide
 
 
Guest

Can't Decide
 
 
Guest
Thank you
Old 07-14-2019, 05:56 PM
  #25

I've read through all of your messages and just want to say thank you. You guys are so kind to someone you don't even know. Therapy is not something I've ever been comfortable with and even with insurance, it's not something I can afford at the moment. After yesterday I am going to step away. Haven't heard from anyone today but I didn't expect to. If I don't call them or go to their house I am forgotten. So just thank you for your kind words, your hugs, and your niceness.
  Reply With Quote

Join the conversation! Post as a guest or become a member today. New members welcome!

Reply

 

>
Teachers' Lounge
Thread Tools




Sign Up Now

Sign Up FREE | ProTeacher Help | BusyBoard

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:59 PM.

Copyright © 2019 ProTeacher®
For individual use only. Do not copy, reproduce or transmit.
source: www.proteacher.net
24