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Generation gap?
Old 12-01-2019, 07:58 AM
  #1

Dd occasionally asks questions regarding GF. Clearly she is digging for more information.

“Is he your boyfriend now?”

“Are you going out?”

“Are you dating?”

I think she is really trying to figure out if we are (how shall I put this....) canoodling. As in first base, second base...or what? If you get my drift...

I have a feeling the words she is using carry connotations that are different than those my generation would place on them. Yes, we have been on three dates. Is that significant? Why?

I don’t think it is appropriate for me to kiss and tell...and I don’t want her to worry too much about how serious this relationship might be (or become)...or to let her imagination run away with her.

What can I say to a 33 yo woman to indicate that things are pretty respectable and are likely to remain that way for the near future, without getting into too much detail, and without using words that might have meant something different when she was in high school?

Yes, I know it really isn’t her business, but I do understand her concern, and I would like her to relax a bit.

I showed her a picture of him, and her comment was, “He looks old.” Well, he is old! What was she expecting?

I would like to find a way for my kids to meet him, because I think they would like him...but I don’t want to make it a big production, if you know what I mean...

It’s just very awkward with my kids right now...Weird!


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What to Say
Old 12-01-2019, 08:02 AM
  #2

He's a nice guy, and I'm enjoying spending time with him.

You don't need to say anything more than that.
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Old 12-01-2019, 08:09 AM
  #3

That’s what I’ve been saying.

I wonder if in her generationspeak, “spending time” might mean “shacking up”...

Basing that conjecture on the look on her face...
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I would just tell her you will keep
Old 12-01-2019, 08:10 AM
  #4

her updated as significant milestones are reached, e.g., first kiss, when you decide to go steady, when you meet his children (or parents, if they are still alive), whether you ever go out of town with him, etc. Perhaps that will give her the hint. Has she done a background check on him? JK.

I love when kids reach that age where they start to think that their parents' judgment needs monitoring. My daughter reached that age at about 25 and had driven me nuts about all my decisions ever since. My son treats me more like I am still a rational adult capable of watching out for myself.
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Old 12-01-2019, 08:19 AM
  #5

Not telling her about our first kiss!. And I feel like we might be too mature to “go steady”. We chat daily and see each other several times a week, sometimes at the pool (we met at aquafit class) and sometimes to “go out,” by which I mean literally going to some activity or event. I am aware that “going out” means a whole ‘nother thing in millennialspeak, at least when my kiddos were in school. Pretty sure he is not seeing anyone else, and neither am I, so I guess by 1960s definition we are going steady, even though he has not given me his letter sweater to wear or his ID bracelet or class ring...

Yes, she did a background check. Found nothing except his address and DOB.


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Old 12-01-2019, 08:27 AM
  #6

You could tell her that you are from a different generation that moved much slower, so if you say you and your GF watched "Netflix and chilled" it means you actually watched Netflix and chatted/ relaxed and nothing more!
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Old 12-01-2019, 08:46 AM
  #7

How about just setting the boundaries and tell her you are a mature adult and you don't kiss and tell. You will share what you want to share, when you want to share it, and not before. You appreciate her concern, but stop digging for info. I liked your words
Quote:
things are pretty respectable and are likely to remain that way for the near future,
. Then just change the subject anytime she starts asking again.
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Dating Again
Old 12-01-2019, 09:15 AM
  #8

Did you ask her these probing questions when she started her relationship with husband before marriage? I am betting not. I would remind her of that so she realizes it is private information. Just tell her you feel safe and you can handle whatever happens. If you become a couple, great. If you don't become a couple you will not be devastated. I am sure her questions are just trying to make sure you are okay. That is usually why we pry.

Maybe you guys could just meet for a drink one night before dinner time so she can meet your new male friend. Or perhaps you could all meet for dessert after dinner one evening. I think if it is a short meeting and at a public place there will be less pressure about the importance of the meeting. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 12-01-2019, 09:35 AM
  #9

Honestly, I am 34, so about her age, and I don’t feel that these questions were at all inappropriate. I think you’re reading way too much into it. I think she’s just trying to determine if you are just friends, or if there is a romantic aspect.

Are you happy with where this friendship/ relationship is right now? I know I tend to get sensitive about questions like these if we haven’t defined the relationship.
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Old 12-01-2019, 10:23 AM
  #10

1956BD...Yes, I confess I did ask a few questions when she started dating her dh...because she had only been separated/divorced a few months (like less than 6 months). She and her dh had known each other since childhood, and apparently he had had a crush on her since then...so when he saw the opportunity, he jumped on it. I think I even posted here that he was calling me “mom” in the early weeks they were dating. Clearly he had designs on her, and I was a bit concerned at first.

I am comfortable with the relationship so far. He respects my desire to go slow. We are more than just friends, but no one is talking about moving in together or anything like that. (Not sure that would even work...we are both set in our ways and basic things like noise tolerance, sleep times, etc. do not appear to be compatible...and neither one of us wants to do the work of accommodating the other’s lifestyle). I think romance for folks of a certain age is a little different than for those in the earlier decades. We are less flexible and more willing to let the other person have a life outside of our own life.

She is definitely suspicious and borderline disapproving...I think she thinks I am trying to replace her Pops, and that doesn’t sit well with her.

She will adjust. It’s harder to arrange a casual get together in the winter here...and she has the baby to wrangle and is still pumping every 3 hours, so dropping by while out on a walk or similar casual encounters are not simple... I’m sure we’ll figure it out eventually though


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Old 12-01-2019, 10:26 AM
  #11

Well....I don't think she's necessarily asking about sex. I have a teen dd so that's when you really get into the age gap. "Talking to" can be just talking to or having sex. lol.

I don't think the questions are inappropriate at all she probably is just interested. I also don't think you need to answer to her about anything you don't want to. She may not lime you dating but it's your life. It in no way reflects how much you loved her dad. You are entitled to have a life and she needs to know that.

I am kind of crazy so if my daughter was asking me questions I thought were about my sex life I would give her some super crazy TMI answer that she couldn't unhear and would need brain bleach for.

My kids (teen and young adult) are pretty much open books though and we will talk/joke about anything.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 42 and my mom is 65 and we DEFINITELY have different views so that gap can be pretty big.

Last edited by Claire; 12-01-2019 at 01:01 PM..
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Old 12-01-2019, 11:38 AM
  #12

I think your daughter loves you and is just being protective. You’re her mom and her dad is no longer around to make sure you are okay. My mom passed away several years ago but if she had survived my dad, I would wonder about any man who entered her life. Not that I would not want her to be happy or enjoy companionship, but I would wonder what the man’s intentions were, especially if I had no clue who he was. I think she just wants to make sure you are not going to be hurt or taken advantage of so she is digging for info that will ally her worries. My mom was a very special woman and I would feel some responsibility to look out for her. I am sure your daughter feels the same about you. An informal meet up for coffee and dessert may ease some of her questions and concerns about him.
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Old 12-01-2019, 12:37 PM
  #13

I agree with UVA girl. I'm 32 and I think you're reading too much into the questions. If you're concerned, you can just say you're taking things slowly.
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Old 12-01-2019, 01:41 PM
  #14

Why did your daughter do a background check on the guy you are dating? That seems a bit over the top, and I'm not sure what she is so worried about.
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Old 12-01-2019, 02:20 PM
  #15

Claire...I’m 66 and dd is 33...so definitely a generational difference.

Travelingfar...I’m sure she did the background check because if she met someone, for example, on the internet, she perceives that as the safe thing to do...and she figured I probably wasn’t savvy enough to do it myself.

I actually figured out who his landlord is on our first coffee date. The landlords are friends of mine (I have known them for more than 30 years) so I called and asked about him. I figured if anything was amiss, they would be aware and communicate caution to me.. Of course, they gave him a stellar review.

All you 30-somethings...I think it’s more the tone of her voice and the look on her face that are communicating something not-quite-right to me.

I will just keep on responding to her the way I have been...vague and general information. (Where did you go? Out. What did you do? Nothing.) I’ll consider it payback for the gray hairs I got when she was a teenager and dating.
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Old 12-01-2019, 06:48 PM
  #16

I agree that saying something like he is really nice guy and we enjoy doing things together and having some great conversations.

I also agree that meeting your kids should not be a big production.....just a casual sort of thing.

I am so glad things are going well!


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Old 12-02-2019, 07:01 AM
  #17

Dating as an older person with an adult child can be awkward!! My son usually does not want to know, lol. He was a little standoffish with the first guy I dated but has gotten used to it. He definitely does not ask me for details!

You are right in that phrases have different meanings for different generations. Be careful what you confirm! lol
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