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Am I wrong? Why do I feel (a little) guilty?
Old 12-02-2019, 11:06 AM
  #1

As Iíve posted 3,627 times, I live in a condo. I have a lovely (IMO) guest room with its own bathroom.

When my friends venture 500 miles (8 hour drive or 1+ hour flight) from my old home, I welcome them to stay with me. They do and itís wonderful.

BUT....Iím originally from 120 miles away (2 hour drive). Some of those old friends come to visit and I donít invite (most of) them to stay. 1-day visits are perfect and....here comes the guilty part...I simply donít want to be frequently preparing/entertaining/cleaning for overnight guests. IMO having houseguests is a lot of work and expense.

Maybe Iím lazy, but I donít think so. I just want to enjoy retirement. But....I am worried that itís selfish of me to NOT want a lot of houseguests.

I want to add that I know visiting & staying with others is common in some parts of the country, but DH and I always stayed in hotels. My parents were hotel people, too, and DHís family were campers. Iím babbling, I guess Iím trying to say we donít come from a culture of staying with others.

Obviously Iím confused. Iím sorry this post is a mess. I want to be a good friend, but I also want to live my life.

What do you think?


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Staying with a Friend
Old 12-02-2019, 11:13 AM
  #2

I prefer to stay in hotels and usually do so when I travel. I also like when out of town guests stay elsewhere. Do you have a friend who lives 2 hours away who wants to stay with you?
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Old 12-02-2019, 11:14 AM
  #3

I agree with you 100%! I do not really care for houseguests, and I do not really enjoy staying at other people's houses. I would rather stay in a hotel. I do not even have a guest room. I made the extra room my sewing/craft room, and I don't think there are many people I would clean it out for. I love to see people if they are in town, but having people stay is exhausting to me. I need my down time.
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Old 12-02-2019, 11:21 AM
  #4

Quote:
Do you have a friend who lives 2 hours away who wants to stay with you?
Well, she doesn’t ask to stay, but I know she’d like to. My post was prompted by this 1 friend who is coming soon. I know she (and others!) would like to come for a few days (I live in an area some consider attractive to visit). And obviously, when they come for a day, they see the guest room. I’m so torn.
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Old 12-02-2019, 11:22 AM
  #5

Iím with you. I would never expect to stay in someoneís home. Always booked hotels. And I donít like overnight guests. I got taken advantage of by my exís relatives who often showed up uninvited and expected to stay. I have a large home and live near lots of touristy places. But it was never to visit me. It was a free place to stay.

I value my privacy and consider my home my sanctuary. I tend to meet friends at restaurants or coffee shops to avoid having them overstay their welcome in my home.

Now when my dd was in college she often had friends stay. It didnít bother me because they were happy to sleep in a sleeping bag, had no expectations of being entertained, brought food and always cleaned up.


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I would meet halfway...
Old 12-02-2019, 11:26 AM
  #6

I know for me now, a 4 hour trip for a day (two hours there and two hours back) would be a lot if I was planning on returning home the same day and especially if I were traveling alone to meet a friend. Meeting about an hour away would be in the middle for both of you, and there would be no expectation that they stay over. When I moved from upstate NY, I would meet my friends in Albany for lunch. It was about an hour and a half for them and about two and a half hours for me. I probably would not be willing to drive that far now, I'd want to meet more at a halfway point for us both. Of course, if they were coming to do something with you specific to San Diego, as well as see you, that meeting in the middle wouldn't work.

I do not feel you are selfish at all. You are entitled to maintain your home as you see fit, and houseguests on a regular basis can be a lot of work and even an added expense. I also personally prefer staying in hotels. One of my upstate NY friends has invited me to stay with her the next time I go up there, but I have not taken her up on it. I'm just more comfortable in my own space.

Being a good friend does not mean being an innkeeper. Enjoy your life and live it as you want!
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Do what makes you comfortable
Old 12-02-2019, 11:30 AM
  #7

You worked hard and are retired now. It is your turn to play and have fun. So I say have overnight guests if you want and if you don't want to that is your chose. Nothing to feel guilty about.

A two hour drive is not that far. They could go home if they want to. Or they can pay for a place to stay.
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Old 12-02-2019, 11:31 AM
  #8

I usually invite my out of town friends to stay in my guest room. One couple lives 2 1/2 hours away but sometimes they have appointments here in town and other friends to connect with when they come to visit. Two other couples visit from Florida and Minnesota and they always stay with me. We have wonderful visits and go to church together etc. My BFF visits from Texas and she stays with me also.

The good news about my out of town visitors is that I stay with them as well when I'm in their cities. Just because they're not in my home town doesn't mean that we're still not great friends.

An additional benefit of having out of town visitors is I clean my house until it's perfect and I actually cook a few things.

It's no fun to have visitors if you don't enjoy folks in your home. No reason to feel guilty at all, Amega13. The best part of being an adult is we get to call the shots!
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Old 12-02-2019, 12:35 PM
  #9

Quote:
Being a good friend does not mean being an innkeeper.
Yes!
You guys are making me feel much much better. Some clarifications:

*If I invite people, of course I expect to host them.
*I was asking about friends who text, “When are you free this month? I want to come see you.”
*Renea, what you describe is not my culture. I think it’s lovely for others, but neither long-term hosting nor visiting is fun for me.
*The friend I was describing has boatloads of $$$ and could easily stay in a hotel if distance is a problem.
*I do consider the income level of the guests: DS and his family live paycheck-to-paycheck and always stay here. But I can be honest with them and don’t feel I have to do a lot of cooking for them.
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Guests
Old 12-02-2019, 12:47 PM
  #10

You are under no obligation to have people stay with you. The friends who live 2 hours away can drive down to see you for the day or book a nearby hotel.


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I always love having houseguests
Old 12-02-2019, 12:47 PM
  #11

and staying at other people's homes. But that is not for everyone.

If you don't feel comfortable doing it or it is inconvenient or expensive, you shouldn't feel guilty or obligated.

I have a best friend from literally when I was born (family friends). I still go to her house and stay overnight to visit, but she goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. and gets up at 4:00 a.m. every day. (They are horse trainers). She starts making noises to wake me up around 5:00 a.m. and God help me if I am not ready for coffee by 5:30! But that's all good-natured fun (for her).
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Old 12-02-2019, 01:05 PM
  #12

Quote:
I know for me now, a 4 hour trip for a day (two hours there and two hours back) would be a lot if I was planning on returning home the same day and especially if I were traveling alone to meet a friend.
This can be a concern.

I might respond to the friend that you'd love to get together. How about we meet half way so you don't have to drive 4 hours in one day.

That implies you want to see her, but you're not offering your home.
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Old 12-02-2019, 01:45 PM
  #13

I totally understand. I had friends come in from out of town and stay with me and honestly it was a huge hassle. Itís hard because you feel like youíre ďonĒ the whole time. I was stressing about having food on hand, entertaining the people etc. I mean Iíd obviously let them stay again and I love them to death but it is weird when ppl are staying w you. I wouldnít mind as much w someone say my sister or something.
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Old 12-02-2019, 02:01 PM
  #14

I sometimes stay with out of town friends and sometimes I do a hotel/motel depending on circumstances. I am great with sleeping on couches so it doesnít bother me much to not have a guest room to stay in.

That being said, I donít have an issue with not being invited to stay with someone. I pk is which friends like visitors and which friends prefer for people to stay separate.

Iím a bit of an introvert so I sometimes will drive 3 hours for brunch and then 3 hours back just to see my amazing extrovert friend in Dallas. When we are around each other too long we totally bicker and gripe so that can be the best choice.
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guests
Old 12-02-2019, 02:41 PM
  #15

Everyone is different. Don't feel guilty or selfish because you don't want overnight guests. When your friends plan to come, give them the hotel options near you. They will get the message. When you show them your place, you don't have to justify the guest room. Better yet, throw some junk in there and keep the door closed. Tell them it's your storage room.


I'm kind of the opposite in that I welcome overnight guests, but it really depends on who they are. As long as they know what to expect, I have no problem hosting them. My house is definitely not Architecture Digest-worthy or 5-star-hotel quality, but it is comfortable and clean.

If they are my friends, I love having them for as long as they'd like to stay. A longtime friend from Minnesota who used to rent a room from me when we were both doing graduate work is coming at the end of January and will stay 4-5 days with us before staying with another friend not too far from here. DH's midwest and eastcoast high school buddies occasionally come to stay for a few days, and it is fun to have them because they are low maintenance and are also great guys.


My brother and partner will be coming at the end of summer, and will make my house their base for a month of travel. It means that they'll probably stay here a few days to get over their jet lag, then take off on a road trip to a bunch of National Parks and stay again with us at the end of their trip. They are also low maintenance and eat the same (plant based) as we do, so that's great.

On the other hand I am happy that DH's family stays in hotels when they come out to visit because they have much higher expectations, and luxury hotels can fulfill those expectations a lot better than I can.

Last edited by cvt; 12-02-2019 at 05:52 PM..
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I'm with you.
Old 12-02-2019, 03:07 PM
  #16

I'm not retired, but I'm very protective of my free time.

I grew up with parents who didn't like having other people in their home. They let me, reluctantly, have friends over to play or spend the night once in a while. I always had to ask first, I had to help clean the entire house to earn the privilege, and I had to chase my friend out the next morning early so their day (privacy) wasn't wasted. I eventually stopped asking. I'm not nearly as hyper as they were, but I certainly picked up some of those attitudes. I LOVE to entertain, but I need everyone to leave by 7:30 p.m.

I'm on the same wavelength as Sonoma. I never expect to stay in anyone's home other than my parents when I travel. I always start off with the intent to stay in a hotel, but if someone insists or seems hurt, I'll stay at their house but I always leave early and try to be as unobtrusive as possible. Nobody ever really comes here to visit me () so I don't have your issue, Amiga. My friends and I usually congregate in our home town, stay at our own parents' houses, and get together that way.

You do you, Amiga. You're a good friend and a terrific person. Relish your retirement and your space, make no apologies.
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Old 12-02-2019, 03:30 PM
  #17

I agree a lot of it has to do with how you are raised. We almost always stayed in hotels and I'm not big on having people over here, either, especially if I'm not particularly close to them. Do what you are comfortable with.

What would be in my mind would also be the purpose of the visit. I would be much more willing to put them up if they were truly coming to see ME. But, if they were just coming to the area because it's a nice place to be and using me as a hotel, I wouldn't be so willing.
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Old 12-02-2019, 03:54 PM
  #18

I agree with much of what was said on both sides :P

Iíll be honest- I canít afford a hotel room. This is why I do very little traveling. If my friend invites me to come visit, I definitely expect to be able to stay with them. But it is just that- Iím there to see them.

If it is a 2-3 hour drive, I will typically not stay overnight- I like my own bed 😜 Last month my sisterís wedding was 2 hours away. We cleaned up the venue by midnight, I went back to get my stuff from the B&B, and drove all the way back home lol.
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Before my parents
Old 12-02-2019, 04:54 PM
  #19

Moved closer to us when they visited they stayed in our house for several days. DH and I work full time and donít have a very big house. Although I love my folks, them being here 24/7 got a little annoying. I wished they would stay here a night or two then get a nearby hotel.

Needless to say, Iím glad theyíre now 30 minutes away and go to their own home after a visit!
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Old 12-02-2019, 05:58 PM
  #20

I think you need to do what is comfortable for you and with zero guilt. You have worked hard to create a sanctuary for yourself and overnight guests can be a lot of work and expense. I like my freedom and prefer to stay in a hotel where I can come and go as I please.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:06 PM
  #21

I love having my son and daughter-in-law stay here. They were just here for Thanksgiving. Otherwise we donít have many people stay here. When we come to San Diego we stay at a motel (long weekend) or at a VRBO. Their place is nice but a bit crowded.
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Not guilty
Old 12-02-2019, 06:09 PM
  #22

I visit a very good friend every few months and she is almost two hours away. It would never occur to me to ask to stay over.

Invite friends to stay when you want them. Stop worrying about it and just enjoy their company.
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:03 PM
  #23

I donít think youíre selfish at all. Me personally, Iím up for a visit but not an overnight guest. Iíd also rather stay in a hotel if I were the guest.
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:10 PM
  #24

Not selfish - everyone has different comfort levels. I have said no to multiple requests to stay at our small house. I have two friends that I would ask to stay at their house (one being in San Diego! ). But that's it. And they know they are welcome here at the drop of a hat. But they are friends for whom I don't feel the need to clean or cook or entertain, and vice versa. I wouldn't presume to stay with anyone else.
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Old 12-03-2019, 06:04 PM
  #25

I am forimiku (this is what happens when my keyboard is set to non English and it tries to correct my spelling- it should say “from”) a culture of staying with others because it is so freaking expensive to get a hotel here, but I do admit I dread it.

This Christmas break my MIL & FIL will be here, so will my dd and her new husband (did I mention my dd got married?), and one of my sisters and her DH and two kids will be here. My in laws will be staying with us, dd will be staying with her in laws, and my sister and her family will be staying with my other sister.....my sister and my dd’s in-laws are so excited. I am dreading the whole thing because I don’t like having people stay with us (and I would rather stay in a hotel when I go places), plus it is so expensive to fly so no one ever comes for less than a week. I think I’m just a total introvert and need my own space, I may feel different if it was just overnight.....oh and my mom is coming over sometime during that time as well- no idea of where she is staying.

I am just finishing a brutal semester at work while I was also taking 9 credits and getting supervised hours to become a BCBA. I just want to veg on the couch and watch Netflix and never get out of pajamas for the break- that just doesn’t seem like something I should do with houseguests (and now I’m making my answer all about me)

Okay that was my rambling answer to basically say I feel the same way.
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Old 12-04-2019, 07:08 PM
  #26

I've had this ongoing conversation with dh for several years. My sister in law puts up with family staying in her home quite frequently so I insist that when we go to her city to visit mil we stay in a hotel. My sil never has invited us to stay and I get her hesitation. DH does not get it. I sat with sil one night ad laughed together over the long visit a family member made to her home. The person just would not leave. I have had people visit for a day or two. That is the max I am comfortable with. The problem around here is how expensive a hotel room is so I want to help out. My son visits every month and cleans up his room and brings down the sheets before he leaves(thanks to his gf) I appreciate that effort. There is an art to being a short term good guest.
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