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Sharing the same room?
Old 01-16-2007, 03:59 PM
 
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I tutor two brothers ages 7 and 9, and they still share the same bedroom. My opinion is that each one should have his OWN room. Should I suggest this to the parents? What do I say without being seen as interfering in their business?


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Old 01-16-2007, 04:06 PM
 
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What is wrong with sharing a bedroom? I have two boys, ages 6 and 3, and when my 3yo graduates to a "big boy bed" he will move in with his older brother. I, personally, think it is good for children of the same sex to share a bedroom. If they were opposite sex, I might question it.

I think this is a personal preference of the family and is not any of your business. I would not mention it at all.

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Dont see it as a problem
Old 01-16-2007, 04:09 PM
 
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Why would this be any concern of yours? I think that the boys sharing a room is a personal choice by parents and should not impact their education at all.
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If it was good enough for Wally and the Beav
Old 01-16-2007, 04:15 PM
 
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it is good enough for me. I only have one child. However, he often tries to get one of us to "lay with" him! I think if he had a sibling in the room it would be a comfort.

I think humans reach an age when they are ready for more space naturally. At seven and nine it is probably not so much of an issue during the dark night hours.

I was almost 15 when my sister was born. I had been an only child. I moved her into my room and she slept in a toddler bed in my room until I left for college! I don't think she is damaged but maybe I'll call her?
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Old 01-16-2007, 04:18 PM
 
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The family may also not have enough rooms for each to have their own room. I agree, this is the family's business.


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Old 01-16-2007, 04:28 PM
 
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I'm not sure why you're so concerned. Do you think one is keeping the other one up or something like that? I grew up in a two bedroom house. My sister and I shared a room until I went away to college. When and where I grew up siblings sharing a room was very common. I would not mention it to the parents if I were you. You would be interfering in their business.
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Don't say anything about it
Old 01-16-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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It's good for children to share rooms, to learn to share space with others. When I was in college & sorority, the girls that made the very WORST roommates were the ones that had never shared space with anyone else ever before. It was "all about them." Mind you, this was years before Happy Bunny attitude stuff was around.
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concerns
Old 01-16-2007, 04:59 PM
 
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What are your concerns about the boys sharing one room?
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Old 01-16-2007, 05:02 PM
 
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All of these:
Ask permission before using something that doesn't belong to you.
When borrowing something, be sure to return it promptly and in good condition.
Try to give each other a little privacy.
Knock before entering if the door is closed.
Keep your personal items in your own space.
Maintain a level of tidiness acceptable to both parties.
Respect each other's differences.
Treat your sibling in a manner that you would like to be treated.
Also, the enjoyment of having your OWN room for decorating it to suit oneself.
Closet space.
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Old 01-16-2007, 05:06 PM
 
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Honestly, it's normal from where I am from to share a room with a sibling, even though I was fortunate not to have to. I had MANY friends who shared rooms with siblings due to lack of extra space.

Are you concerned that they are sharing a room despite a spare bedroom that is not being used? I just don't get what you are concerned about.


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Sharing Rooms
Old 01-16-2007, 05:24 PM
 
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I grew up in a two bedroom house. There were three of us. My brother, sister, and I shared a room until I was 14, my brother 12, and my sister 7. Then we moved to a three bedroom house where I shared a room with my sister until I went away to college.

Did we fight because his/her stuff was in my way? Yes! However, we had to learn to get along despite our differences and our annoyances. I agree with Toni who said those who didn't share a bedroom were the worst roommates! I had a lot of patience (maybe too much) for my college roommate who had never shared a room with someone and would stay up until all hours of the night in chat rooms, come in late drunk during the week, drain tuna fish in the garbage can at 2am and leave it there until it woke me up and I took out the trash so I could sleep... I could go on and on!

Bottom line - it's no big deal. The boys are close enough in age that they will be able to share a lot of memories together in their room! Most of my favorite memories are of my sister and I hanging out together in our room!
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Old 01-16-2007, 05:27 PM
 
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Lucinda:

I don't see anything wrong with two brothers sharing the same room. At one time in my young life, I shared the SAME room with two sisters
and sometimes we made one another mad and we had good times too. I feel that sharing a room with siblings can be a way for closer relationships too. After they reach the teen age years, they may want separate rooms...but for now it is really okay.

If you talk to the parents about this personal issue, don't be surprised if they become angry. Your view of what these children need or want, may only be your view and does not represent what they think or feel.

I would say.....give them their privacy.
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Old 01-16-2007, 05:43 PM
 
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All of the concerns you listed above are things I think children could learn FROM living in the same room. Borrowing things, privacy, tidiness, respect. About the only thing you listed they couldn't do would be decorating their room personally. However, that's another opportunity for compromise.

It seems to me there is something else behind this. I am really puzzled why you are so against this. I would be interested to understand why you feel this way.

Jenny
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opinion
Old 01-16-2007, 05:49 PM
 
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Not to be too blunt, but, if they ask for your opinion, give it. Otherwise, it's none of your business. If one brother was harming the other or you had some legitimate concern for physical or mental well being, it might concern you. In any other case, I'm not sure why a tutor would have any interest in this.
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sharing spaces
Old 01-16-2007, 06:04 PM
 
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My husband and his brother shared a room until my husband went away to college. My sister and I had our own rooms. My two boys (twins who are 3) have their own rooms. Each decision needs to be made based on a parent's assessment of what it best for their individual children. My little boys have different sleeping habits and needs. When they shared a room, it wasn't best for them as far as getting to sleep, etc. If we decide in the future to have any more children, there's a possibility that they will be moved back in together when they are older and able to adjust better to their differences. Ultimately, there is no blanket answer that it is right or wrong. If someone approached me about this, I would be very offended. As suggested in other posts, I suggest you leave this one alone.
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Old 01-16-2007, 06:08 PM
 
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I agree with roo...if they are concerned about this arrangement they will ask your opinion and you can give it. They have invited you into their home to tutor their children not to make judgements about their personal lives. I wouldn't make any waves here, especially if you want to continue to work with these boys.
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Old 01-16-2007, 07:05 PM
 
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I know lots of people who shared a room with a sibling, and I don't see anything wrong with it. I'm not sure why you're concerned (your reasons seem more like benefits to me, as JRichard explained). Unless you have reason to suspect that one of the boys is in some kind of danger or the parents ask your opinion, I wouldn't bring it up with the family. You never know their reasons behind the shared room, and I personally don't see anything wrong with it. 7 and 9 are still pretty young, and the boys are the same sex.
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Old 01-16-2007, 07:37 PM
 
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There isn't anything at all wrong with sharing a room. I even had to share with my brother until I was about 13 or 14. We moved quite a bit with my dad's jobs, and we mostly rented two bedroom places. You do learn a lot when having to share.
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Old 01-16-2007, 07:44 PM
 
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I want to thank all of you for the input. I was concerned because they have trouble with disciplining their boys ( disrespect, talking back, whining, some cursing). And, they told me that they really didn't know how to handle the situations when they arose. I offered some tips and they put them into practice. However, the youngest is very controlling. He yells and whines to get his way when HE says so. The youngest has been influenced by the older brother. When I discovered that they shared the same bedroom, I posted my opinion and questions here for feedback. Also, I watched an episode of Supernanny, where Jo suggested separate bedrooms for each sibling.
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Old 01-16-2007, 10:31 PM
 
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While I can see separating siblings if there are discipline issues, I maintain it is BETTER for siblings to share a room growing up. I did. I separated my kids due to bedtime issues and wish I had worked harder at solving the issues without seperating them.

IMO my kids are missing a lot of valuable lessons about sharing and getting along by having their own room.
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Old 01-17-2007, 12:06 AM
 
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Lucinda, I went back and read your first post to be sure I understood it correctly. In this post you did not mention anything about the boys behavior of your offering some tips. Your post reads as if you feel they need different rooms...maybe for privacy, etc.

Everyone (I believe), and including myself...felt as if you just felt the boys needed their own room. You forgot to mention the other information. Even knowing that the parents asked you opinion, I am not sure different rooms will solve the problem. Some REAL discipline needs to be put into action. The YOUNG CHILD is controlling? I cannot imagine my children having their way.

Obviously, something caused this type of behavior...and now it has gotten out of control. I have always been amazed how a nanny can go into the homes of families and show the parents how they should discipline them. Some of the things I see on that show, shocks me. How do parents lose so much control? I cannot imagine someone else coming into my home, telling me how to discipline...and have my children listen to her and not me! I believe it all starts with the parents from the time the childen are old enough to understand what yes and no means. No parents should not HAVE TO give power or control to another person to discipline their own children.
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My first impression :)
Old 01-17-2007, 02:41 AM
 
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was that Lucinda is young and alas, part of the generation we "older" people have raised who have lived such pampered lives that they can not imagine some of the "terrible hardships" we endured in the old days - you know, no cell phones, no computers, no dishwashers, no video games - when kids had to amuse themselves and share things. No offense at all to Lucinda - it's my generation that is responsible for this .
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My boys shared......
Old 01-17-2007, 03:57 AM
 
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rooms when they were really young because we HAD to. When they were between 6 and 2, we moved into a home that had a room for everyone. Somehow they all ended up sleeping in the same room every night anyway. They would bring blankets, pillows and books and just make every night a sleep over. They never abused it or stayed up late, but sometimes just after I put them to bed I would hear them giggling in there. After a few months we had a pow wow and decided to put all three beds in one room, make one room a playroom and just one a guest room.

My boys are now 18, 16, and 14 and they all have their own room, but still on occasion they will all pull out their sleeping bags, blankets, and pillows and camp out in the family room.

They go places together, they have common interests, and for the MOST part, really enjoy being together.
I honestly believe it has a lot to do with the time they spent together sharing rooms when they were younger.

Wouldn't change a thing!
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the problem is with the parents
Old 01-17-2007, 07:38 AM
 
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"they have trouble with disciplining their boys " Maybe the problem is with the parents, not the boys! The parents need a few lessons on how to manage/discipline their children so that they are not disrespectful.
Maybe the parents need to be in separate bedrooms! (haha)

My twin daughters share a room and my other daughter always wants to sleep with them also. Every Friday they sleep all in one bed. Do they fight? of course! Do they share? most of the time. Do they respect each other and their privacy? Absolutely! Maybe when they get to be teenagers they may want more privacy, but we will deal with that when we come to that discussion.
 
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Old 01-17-2007, 09:45 AM
 
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I come from a large family and growing up we always had to share rooms. The boys together and the girls together. To us it was normal and we never thought anything of it. I think it is fine.
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Old 01-17-2007, 10:32 AM
 
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If the issue is discipline, separating them will not solve it. They need to know how to behave in ANY situation, including when they are sharing living space with someone. I still hold that sharing a room will be a good thing for these boys.

If they ask for your advice again, I would recommend you tell them about Love & Logic. This is an excellent program by Jim Fay that teaches responsibility, how to make your own decisions and deal with the consequences, and how to live in the real world. They should begin with Parenting with Love & Logic by Jim Fay.

Moving the kids apart, IMO, will teach them that if they behave badly enough, they will be rewarded. This is the exact opposite message the parents need to be sending.

Jenny
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