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Going Home Fears....
Old 10-20-2020, 06:01 PM
  #1

First, thank you all my PT family for your congrats and best wishes on the birth of our 1st grandchild, Isabelle Mae!

On the negative side, DH and I are worried about leaving. 2 nights this week DH and I had to leave the hotel and go get the baby after DD texted. Izzy was fussy (probably gas) and DD said she was anxious and upset. When she expresses her fear she also indicates that she must be doing something wrong. I know that can be normal, but we're dealing with bipolar and past substance abuse. Her landlord and his GF are good friends and seem to love Izzy, but both work a lot. We had a conversation with DD and she doesn't want to come home until mid December as planned. She does LOVE the baby, kisses her and talks to her a lot and is happy to have her - all encouraging signs.

On the plus side, she has an OB she loves and has an app for next week, has an awesome pediatrician who spoke warmly and lovingly to DD today as not only a doc, but a mom and she set DD up with a social worker visiting program, which DD welcomed! We met the SW before we left and she has an app for a home visit next week. She is also connected with a life coach through a pregnancy support center. After the app today DH and I feel so much better, but the worry is still there.

Am I overthinking this? Do you think this is normal worry, or are we justified?
Any advice?

Thanks so much listening!
Nancy


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Old 10-20-2020, 06:12 PM
  #2

My guess is that there is always something to worry about, even with so called "normal" parents and grandchildren.

It sounds like your dd is set up and well as you can possibly manage at this point. Do you have anyone local that you could call if you don't hear from dd or do hear from dd and feel someone might need to check up with her? That is what I would work on if not.

She has this. December is not that far away.
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Support
Old 10-20-2020, 06:12 PM
  #3

I think your worries and fears are normal. I think your daughter's reactions are normal, too. I understand the worry with the past history with your daughter. However, I think it's a good sign that your daughter is accepting help. It sounds like she has a lot of support. Sending prayers and positive thoughts! It will all work out!
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I won't speak as a mom, since
Old 10-20-2020, 06:13 PM
  #4

my son is 7...But I will say that when I had DS at age 36, my mom panicked and worried about every little thing I did after I had my c-section. I think that you're probably justified in worrying given your DD's past struggles, but try to remember that she's got a lot going for her: friends, a good doc she trusts, a pediatrician to keep an eye out for Izzy, and a social worker coming by. It also sounds like you, DH and DD are in a better place than you were a few years ago and it sounds, too, like DD has done a lot of growing.

Having said all of that, she is YOUR baby, and you're going to worry. My mom called me 6 times during the last week of September to make sure I got my flu shot since I "don't take care of myself." I think that's just what moms do when their kids grow up and have their own kids...

I know that telling you all of this isn't going to make you stop worrying. I just hope you realize that your DD loving Izzy is a reflection of how much you love your DD...Worry about her, but let her be a new mom. She will figure out. If she needs you, she'll call, and you can always hop on a plane if you need to.

(((((BIG HUGS))))), Nancy! It's going to be fine. She's got you!
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Old 10-20-2020, 06:21 PM
  #5

Oh! I must have missed your post announcing your new grand baby. Congratulations!


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Old 10-20-2020, 06:23 PM
  #6

I have no answers, just sending lots of hope. Thinking of you all.
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Old 10-20-2020, 06:25 PM
  #7

I am going to go the opposite of other posters. If you can stay, stay. If you can't, realize you are leaving her with a good support system. I think newborns are stressful and your daughter might be able to benefit from all the support and love you have to offer. Prayers and hugs for you! You will make the right decision. You know your daughter better than anyone on here.
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Good advice
Old 10-20-2020, 06:25 PM
  #8

from other posters. I think you have done as much as possible. Maybe you can set up a schedule of phone calls to keep in touch. Good luck.
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Old 10-20-2020, 06:36 PM
  #9

I think you're going to worry even if your DD didn't have her past. Given her past it's natural that you'd worry even more. It sounds like she has a super strong support system in place. You can always call and check in and see how she's doing.

FWIW, I texted my mom to call me after dinner and TOLD her I was fine and just wanted to chat. The first words out of her mouth were, "Is everything ok?" even after I told her I was fine. Moms worry, it's their job. It doesn't matter if your child is 5, 25, or 45. And my father couldn't remember how old I was.
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Old 10-20-2020, 07:15 PM
  #10

It sounds like she has people there who can help. Can you schedule a regular time to call/text everyday to check in? Also, let her know that she can call anytime she needs to talk to you. Sometimes just knowing that a friendly voice is available is helpful.


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Going Home
Old 10-21-2020, 01:32 AM
  #11

It's 5:15am here and you were among my 1st prayers/thoughts of the day. I Feel your angst in leaving in with her history. Do her support people know how to contact you should the need arise?
On the practical side is she still taking her pre-natal vitamins? If not a good quality womens vitamin with B12 among might keep her body stronger. Does she have some easy to fix, healthy food in the house?

I've shared a little about my trials with our youngest. When she became a mother we developed a new bond of 'mother to mother.'
We'd Skype almost daily which gave me a chance to support her role as a new mom.
You have rational concerns but if you leave her with the positive message of her good mothering so far it will may give her confidence to keep up on the positive side.

Congratulations Grandma and Grandpa...not sure what you are calling yourselves.
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Old 10-21-2020, 03:55 AM
  #12

I think your feelings are normal with a little bit of edge from past experience mixed in. It sounds like your daughter has a good support system there. As a parent it's normal to worry about an adult child going through new things, big things like becoming a new mom. You've taught her a lot, and she knows you are a phone call away.
Congratulations again!

Just a side note here... One of my sons was heavy into partying. I don't know exactly what that means, but I knew he drank heavily. He said he never did cocaine or heroin, but he lost so many friends and acquaintances to drug overdoses. He lost a best friend to suicide. Sometimes he has reached out to me and I worried he was suicidal. A few years later he told me his son saved his life. His son was not planned. He never wanted to be tied down, but all of a sudden he had an obligation to this little baby. He has his son every weekend and says he's his best friend, his partner in crime. He has his reason to live. This baby is seven years old now and my son is doing well. He's a good dad. Not the way we raised him, but still a good dad. I'm trying to say this is a new chapter for your family. Your daughter has a new purpose. Continue to nurture that purpose. Added to that purpose are proud grandparents. Unlike my son, your daughter will have those hard moments of actually being a parent everyday and I would think that's where she will need extra encouragement.
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It is normal to worry about any new mom.
Old 10-21-2020, 04:34 AM
  #13

I was 37 when I had my first, with a loving and helpful husband and lots of supportive family and friends, and it was still extremely difficult to recover from a C-section and be a new mom.

If you can stay for a few more days, do it. Is your DD breastfeeding? You might contact Le Leche League to support her in that way.

I would also be very nervous about leaving her alone with this awesome responsibility. Am I correct that the dad is not in the picture?

Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for all concerned. What is her issue with waiting until December to return home?
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Old 10-21-2020, 04:41 AM
  #14

It is normal to worry- my goodness, we all know how hard taking care of a newborn can be! Plus to be alone, without family nearby, would be challenging for anyone. As grandma,I know it was hard for me to not swoop in, and "take over", with advice, etc. - there came a time when I just had to trust my children were able to learn how to be parents, and back off. (But I still worried).

It is so great that she will have the social worker and the life coach to encourage her and support her. Would they be able to contact you if problems arise?

I wonder how your daughter would feel if you asked her if she wanted you, or both of you, to stay another week or two. Or if you made clear she can come home anytime she needs to, no questions asked, and you'll pay for the transport.

Isabelle is blessed to have so many concerned for her well-being.
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I am sorry you are worried
Old 10-21-2020, 06:25 AM
  #15

Worrying is just part of being a mom I think. It sounds like your daughter has good support to assist her with caring for her daughter and herself. I will say a prayer for all.
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Old 10-21-2020, 06:44 AM
  #16

I think everyone has given great suggestions. I like the idea of making sure she is stocked up on easy to fix, healthy food.

It sounds like she has a lot of good supports in place. I would consider making a list of people and their phone numbers and hanging it on the fridge. Sometimes seeing how many people are there for support in writing can be helpful. Having all the information in a phone isnít the same.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
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Old 10-21-2020, 09:04 AM
  #17

She might step up a bit when you are gone because you wonít be a quick option. Why does she want to stay until med-Dec?
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Old 10-21-2020, 11:46 AM
  #18

You are not over thinking this and you are justified in your concerns.
The first few weeks of life with a newborn are not always easy and can be unpredictable --- for anyone and everyone. Your daughter has a unique history. Her future is bright and promising and things will work out but in the short term the demands of a newborn and the sleep deprivation of new moms, especially single moms, can be overwhelming.
October, November and December will be a lot harder than January, February and March. This might not be the time to be alone, without family.

If possible, stay with her.
Or better yet, take her back to Florida with you.
Sometimes only family can be the ones to help.
You know how to be there and help without interfering.
You know how to quietly go about setting things in place to ensure success.
You know how to read the clues.
You are the only one who can give Mom hugs and Grandma kisses.
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Old 10-21-2020, 11:50 AM
  #19

As others have pointed out she has a good support network however I would worry as well due to her previous history and the normal fluctuations of hormones that occur after the birth of a child. I might offer to stay a bit longer and during that time watch her emotional stability and willingness to reach out to friends and you for support.
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I would stay
Old 10-21-2020, 12:54 PM
  #20

....if you can, stay there longer. If not, bring her back home. This is a hard time to be alone with a baby, and she needs extra help.
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Old 10-21-2020, 01:10 PM
  #21

Oh my goodness, I have been thinking about this. I still think you should stay if you can or bring her back to FL. I also think a small hiccup, coupled with everyone knowing your daughter's history, could have unintended consequences. You want that daughter and grandbaby home with you! I would set her up for as much success as possible. Sending prayers and good wishes.
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Old 10-21-2020, 01:26 PM
  #22

Taking care of a new born can be overwhelming. I understand why your DD might want to call you for help. It's intimidating to be the single parent of fussy newborn. Questions and doubts buzz around in your head and you have no idea if you're doing this parenting thing correctly. I wouldn't want to do those new born nights and days alone. If you can stay with your DD I bet she would really appreciate your support.
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Old 10-21-2020, 04:07 PM
  #23

My instinct says stay. Newborns are so hard no matter what, and adding in her past struggles makes it more difficult.
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Old 10-21-2020, 07:28 PM
  #24

I have a 7 week old so I can totally relate to how your DD must be feeling. It can be so overwhelming caring for a newborn. It sounds like sheís set up with good supports. Would she consider a new moms group? I joined two in my area that are meeting outside in parks etc. due to covid but come hell or high water I have been at those groups each week. They felt like a lifeline for me some weeks!!!!

I think the biggest thing you can do is to remind her that her fears and anxieties are normal. Itís really freaking hard to take care of a newborn!!!
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