Divorced by affair - ProTeacher Community




Home Join Now Search My Favorites
Help


      Teachers' Lounge


Divorced by affair

>

Reply
 
Thread Tools
techgrad's Avatar
techgrad techgrad is online now
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,511
Senior Member

techgrad
 
techgrad's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,511
Senior Member
Divorced by affair
Old 06-08-2019, 05:15 AM
  #1

Question: those of you who got divorced because of an affair, how do you live with your ex-spouse seeing/dating/marrying that person?

Ex told me last Sunday that he was still seeing the woman he had an affair with (happens to be a coworker). He is in love with her apparently. I donít think so. I think he is spiraling out of control and she is being a soft spot to land. Also, she is 7 years younger than him and recently broke off an engagement that was based on money and not love.

I will never be ok with her around my kids. Never. She is not a good person. I die inside when I think about the two of them and my kids being a family. I am so hurt about being replaced. I know my kids will only see me and know me as mom, but she took my family.

Yes I am seeing a therapist and I will discuss with her. But I need real life people who have been in this situation to help me out too.

Also, is there a divorce board? I feel like we need one.


techgrad is online now   Reply With Quote

Lilbitkm Lilbitkm is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,756
Senior Member

Lilbitkm
 
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,756
Senior Member

Old 06-08-2019, 05:32 AM
  #2

I haven’t been on the side of this that you’re on. However, I have lived this as the child in the situation—

My stepmom never tried to be my mom, actually resented my dad having a child already so that caused lots of issues. They lived in a different state so that helped and things have gotten much better as I’ve gotten older. My Dad has been married to my stepmom for 27 years, was only married to my mom for 5.

I will say the one thing my Mom NEVER did was speak badly of my Dad or my stepmom. My opinions and feelings were all my own. She would talk to me about it and help me through things but never injected her own feelings. It was the best thing she could have ever done.

I know my mom didn’t like me being with my stepmom or appreciate the way she treated me. I would spend half of my summer with them every year, plus other visits.
But, it wasn’t about her feelings.... it was about me having a relationship with my dad and eventually my siblings as well.

She was always very honest with me, maybe too honest. I always knew why my parents divorced. However, she was very clear and always reiterated that their relationship was over before the affair happened. My Dad was not right but she always stressed that there were two of them in the marriage. She never blamed him.

Last edited by Lilbitkm; 06-08-2019 at 06:36 AM..
Lilbitkm is offline   Reply With Quote
amiga13's Avatar
amiga13 amiga13 is online now
 
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 15,614
Senior Member

amiga13
 
amiga13's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 15,614
Senior Member

Old 06-08-2019, 05:40 AM
  #3

(((techgrad)))) You have every right to be hurt and bitter. No easy solutions, but I think the trick might be to move past the hurt and bitterness so you can enjoy life with your darling twins. I hope your therapist helps you learn to love the time you have with them as well as revel in your time alone without even thinking about ďthe other family.Ē

I havenít been through divorce, but I did learn to ignore what my kids did when they were with their grandparents. And kids adapt better than we do. Kids can learn there are different expectations in different places. I was happier when I learned I canít control what happens elsewhereóI let that time go and enjoyed my time. For most kids, home is with mom.

I hope you find joy again. Iím thinking of you.
amiga13 is online now   Reply With Quote
Tawaki's Avatar
Tawaki Tawaki is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,709
Senior Member

Tawaki
 
Tawaki's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,709
Senior Member
Suggestions...
Old 06-08-2019, 06:33 AM
  #4

You will be much happier if you quit focusing on "her". Your husband is solely responsible for ending the marriage with his actions. She didn't "take" your family. Your husband decided he didn't want the current version anymore, and this other person is a handy excuse. If it wasn't this current person, he would have found someone else or maybe nobody. My friend's husband walked away and said he was tired of being a husband and father. There was no affair.

You are mad, grieving and the fact the other is an coworker is an extra heap of gross. There would be no male, female, nonbinary person who would really be make this any better. So being fired up about Tinkerbell's stupidity does you no good.
It's a waste of time and anger, which you don't have extra to spend.

About "them" being a family, and her...who knows? He may punt her after the new girlfriend smell wears off, or she'll be around for 30 more years. All totally out of your control. It sucks you have to deal with any of this.

Neutral is better than angry. You know unless she's on the kiddie toucher list or some felony that she can't he around kids, most likely she'll be with your kids. Honestly, she's an idiot. I wouldn't want to baby sit your kids every other weekend. Being mom lite is no bonus in my book. If Ex's the type that kids are women work, and checks out when GF is there to kid wrangle, that's not gonna last.

Cheerful and stupid goes along way to keep me from murdering fools. If Tinkerbell and Ex takes the to the kids to the zoo, loads them up on junk food, look at it this way...less money in their pocket for fun adult stuff. That was time not spent on a wine tour, going to Sephora, or sleeping. Your kids got something out of it (time with dad). Cheerful and stupid also doesn't give an opening for the other to bait you.

"I bought Tinkerbell a loaded BMW for our 3 month anniversary."

->Oh, sounds nice.

"We have having Vegas destination wedding at the Bellagio on December 29th."

->I'm sure it will be lovely.

Those are statements of fact sans opinion. You didn't say yay or any. There is nothing to argue over.

As long as you get everything you are legally entitled to, the kids are not endanger visiting Ex and flavor of the month, that's the best you can hope for. That is what work to keep my friends and relative sane during divorces similar to your's. Focus on you and your kids. Remember this Tinkerbell didn't cause your divorce. Your husband wanted out, and she was a handy excuse. Anything they do for the kids, view it as a plus for the kids, not a minus for you. Don't get baited into negative conversations. Cheerful and stupid is great for that.

Good luck

(hugs)
Tawaki is offline   Reply With Quote
wildflowerz's Avatar
wildflowerz wildflowerz is offline
 
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,062
Senior Member

wildflowerz
 
wildflowerz's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,062
Senior Member

Old 06-08-2019, 09:45 AM
  #5

It isnít easy. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions and you will work through it with time.

You deal with it by focusing on your life and your time with the kids. Be active, eat healthy food, drink water, sleep. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. It sounds basic but you need to do all of those things to be mentally strong and able to deal with everything.

When I went through my divorce I read self help books and went to a therapist.

Once you rebuild your life, you will feel better about yourself and think of them less. You are are grieving the loss of your family and there is no timeline.


wildflowerz is offline   Reply With Quote
Emptypeach Emptypeach is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 276
Full Member

Emptypeach
 
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 276
Full Member
Sadly, I can relate
Old 06-09-2019, 05:36 AM
  #6

Agree with everything that Tawaki wrote.

Don't dwell on her; that's a waste of energy. It's your ex's fault.

My x had a five year affair with a much younger, high income, spouse of one of my co workers. It was so painful but they "loved each other." It lasted less than six months and now they are both miserable (that's just my assumption).

Be thankful that you can always hold your head high and you did nothing wrong. Be thankful you got out when you did. Be smart with money. Take the high road (I know this is HARD) and bite you lip.

You are a strong person who will land on your feet. Doubt they will.

I believe in KARMA.

Good luck.
Emptypeach is offline   Reply With Quote
Lottalove's Avatar
Lottalove Lottalove is offline
 
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 6,742
Senior Member

Lottalove
 
Lottalove's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 6,742
Senior Member

Old 06-09-2019, 09:46 AM
  #7

Quote:
I will never be ok with her around my kids. Never. She is not a good person. I die inside when I think about the two of them and my kids being a family. I am so hurt about being replaced. I know my kids will only see me and know me as mom, but she took my family.
The PP are right. This only hurts YOU, not eXH or Tink. It will be like an extra burden to carry. In fact, if XH wants you to hurt or feel bad, you are playing right into in his hands. Give yourself time to grieve for what should have been and what could have been and let the rest go. Do you really want him back? Knowing he is a cheater and a fraud? Likely, no--let her have the worthless turd. He is not worthy of you anymore.

Quote:
You are mad, grieving and the fact the other is an coworker is an extra heap of gross. There would be no male, female, nonbinary person who would really be make this any better. So being fired up about Tinkerbell's stupidity does you no good.
It's a waste of time and anger, which you don't have extra to spend.
This too.
Lottalove is offline   Reply With Quote
techgrad's Avatar
techgrad techgrad is online now
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,511
Senior Member

techgrad
 
techgrad's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,511
Senior Member

Old 06-09-2019, 11:05 AM
  #8

Thank you all for talking me off a ledge!

I know you all are right, but in the moment itís hard to see the high road. I am working on that these next 2 weeks before I see my therapist again.

I saw her yesterday and she agreed with what yíall said. I have stopped having discussions with him and keeping it business. Itís killing him. He hates having consequences. But I keep saying, too bad, so sad.

And adamantly no, I absolutely donít want him back. Good luck to the next girl.
techgrad is online now   Reply With Quote
Kaimana Kaimana is offline
 
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 451
Senior Member

Kaimana
 
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 451
Senior Member

Old 06-09-2019, 03:05 PM
  #9

My ex husband didnít have an affair but I had such a hard time losing time with my young kids due to his actions. I honestly didnít miss him (he was not a great husband) but I did have a hard time with the child sharing aspect and I did grieve the dreams weíd had together.

Itís been nine years now. My kids are 13-20 and I have an incredibly close relationship with each of them and they with each other. I remarried a month ago and have been constantly astounded at what a relationship with a real partner is like. I am treated a million times better than I was in my previous marriage. I am incredibly grateful for the life I have.

I went back and read some of your old posts and honestly it doesnít sound like yours was a very good husband. You might actually want to go back and reread some too. So many were about him putting his own desires in front of your and your kidsí needs.

In a few years you are going to be so grateful he gave you this new chance at life. You are going to build a new and better life with your kids. No one will ever replace you as their mother.
Kaimana is offline   Reply With Quote

Join the conversation! Post as a guest or become a member today. New members welcome!

Reply

 

>
Teachers' Lounge
Thread Tools




Sign Up Now

Sign Up FREE | ProTeacher Help | BusyBoard

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:22 PM.

Copyright © 2019 ProTeacher®
For individual use only. Do not copy, reproduce or transmit.
source: www.proteacher.net
8