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Was I in the wrong?
Old 06-10-2019, 12:20 PM
  #1

Please give me your (kind) feedback about an interaction between my DD and myself yesterday. If I was in the wrong, I will definitely apologize. DD (22) requested that we have her bedroom painted for her birthday. One of the things she needs to do to prepare for painting is to wash her chalkboard wall. The painter will be here this week, so I am getting a little anxious. DD and the young man she is dating were literally just laying around yesterday, so I took in a pile of rags, the spray bottle, and the step ladder and asked them to get busy on cleaning the wall. Please note, DD has known this young man for awhile, and they have just recently decided to pursue a relationship. DD and her friend did NOT clean the wall; they left shortly after. This morning, I told DD that any one of her friends would have helped clean her wall if I had asked, and that the fact that her new boyfriend did not help her clean her wall did not earn him points in my book. DD, of course, was disgusted with my comment. Not sure if I overstepped or overreacted?


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Old 06-10-2019, 12:27 PM
  #2

I don't know why you would assume that one of her friends, much less a boyfriend, would help her clean her wall. I think you should apologize for that.

However, if part of the deal for repainting was for her to clean the wall, then she needs to get it done. I would tell her that is has to be done before it is too late to cancel the painter. 2 days prior to the appointment? And if she doesn't follow through, that is the end of that present.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:29 PM
  #3

I agree with you 2teach2. To me, this shows HIS (lack of) work ethics...continuing to be lazy and doing what he wanted to do instead and seeming to completely ignore what you said. Why he couldn't even help for even as little as 10-15 min is beyond me. However, your daughter obviously wasn't that firm with doing the chore either since they both left. So she's giving him a silent message of, "don't pay any attention to what my mom says."

Also, you'd think one's BF would want to help his GF with her room and pitch in. This means he knows that she'll later have to do the work all by herself because it's not like he's there 24/7 to probably help again.

I don't think I'm being "too intense, too serious", etc. with my thinking.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This reminds me of a similar situation of mine back when I lived with my parents:

I wanted to finally paint 1 or 2 walls in the den and my BF (still with him) did most of the work with me because he wanted to. He didn't leave it for me to do alone.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:35 PM
  #4

I would think that he would follow her lead. So if she started clean, it would be nice of him to help. I wouldn't expect it, though. If she chose not to clean it, I would think he would not either...I know I feel akwardish not in my own home, so I would follow along with the person that lives there. Now if he made a comment about not helping or told her not to or was rude somehow, that would be totally different.

I agree with kahluablast that she needs a date to have this task done by.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:56 PM
  #5

I don't know why you expect him to do her work. If she asked him and he refused then maybe I would think a little differently. It is her wall and she does not seem to care about getting it done. Maybe he asked her if she wanted him to help and she said no. I would not judge his character based on this one situation.


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Old 06-10-2019, 12:59 PM
  #6

Yes I agree he probably followed her lead. I really can't imagine a 22 year old that wants a wall painted but won't clean it. Does she otherwise contribute and help around the house? Work etc.? I would tell her that it has to be done by X date or you are cancelling. I wouldn't think anything of him by just that. I mean, they are grown people and she should lead the way on that.
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:13 PM
  #7

I would give her a date to have it done by and then cancel if not done. He could have gotten up and to her he'd help her. I don't think your in the wrong.
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:14 PM
  #8

Your request is something that came from an earlier conversation between you and your dd . Would it have been ok for your dd to request,in front of your friend, to pay her back the money you took from her account to pay off your bills? It essentially is the same type of embarrassment in her 22 year old mind. Her bf followed her lead .(or he would have had some grief from her later) She was embarrassed and then got irritated that your request was done in front of her bf.
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That is the kind of thing I would have done
Old 06-10-2019, 01:53 PM
  #9

and said. I think my daughter's various friends or boyfriends would have stepped up. I don't think you overstepped. She's 22 and still lives at home? Unless she pays rent, she is acting like a child, but wants the rights of an adult. You embarrassed her. Boo-hoo.

As someone else said, give her a date and time. If it is not done by then, cancel the paint job and let her suffer the consequences.
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Old 06-10-2019, 02:07 PM
  #10

This was something between you and your daughter, and the guy probably felt awkward being put in the middle. It was unfair to him, and he probably didn't know what he should do. I think it would be unfair to judge his work ethic based on a situation he should never have been put in, in my opinion.


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This is not about his work ethics
Old 06-10-2019, 02:46 PM
  #11

As others have said itís more about him following her lead. But I donít think you necessarily overreacted. You want it done because it needs to be done to get the painting done. Itís all on her.
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Old 06-10-2019, 02:56 PM
  #12

I donít have an opinion either way.

I am just shocked that you are paying for someone to paint her bedroom for her birthday. I guess I am cheap. Thatís a $$ birthday gift. Are you looking to adopt? Lol!
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Old 06-10-2019, 03:50 PM
  #13

You are not in the wrong for expecting her to have it done. I agree with those who said not to judge him based on him not cleaning. It is her responsibility and your disappointment should lie with her and not him. The fact that the new bf didn't help her clean the wall could very well be because she didn't ask him to or told him not to worry about it after you left. I wouldn't put any of the expectation on him in this scenario- you actually potentially put him in an awkward position. Should he insist they wash the wall because you said, or should he follow her lead.

That being said said, I would do what others have suggested- give her a date and if it's not done by then, you cancel the painter.
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Old 06-10-2019, 03:51 PM
  #14

I really don't think the boyfriend should have been involved in a job that was your daughter's responsibility to complete.

Your daughter might respond better if you give her a deadline to complete what should have already been completed, with the consequence of a cancel to the painter if her prep part of the room is not done.

Our daughter painted her bedroom herself (with our guidance) when she was 9 years old. It's not that hard to move a paint roller and/or brush up and down. It turned out fine and now she has the knowledge and confidence to do it again in adulthood.

I think your daughter should apologize to you for her lack of motivation and go ahead and do her part without needing to be reminded. 22 years old is well past be capable to be self-motivated.
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Old 06-10-2019, 04:02 PM
  #15

I don't think you should have asked in front of the BF or involved the BF. I agree with the pp who said he was probably just following her lead, and you don't know that he wouldn't have helped if she'd actually asked.

I agree with the suggestion to give her a deadline and tell her that you will cancel the painter if it's not done by that date. I wouldn't nag. Either she does it or she doesn't- not your issue if the room doesn't end up painted at the end. Shouldn't a 22 yo be moving out soon anyway?
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In the wrong?
Old 06-10-2019, 04:29 PM
  #16

I think you embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend. Yes she needs to do this, but did it have to be right that second?

I do not believe she needed to ask bf to help nor did you have the right to assume he would.

So, I think you should apologize.
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Old 06-10-2019, 05:41 PM
  #17

Agree with Keltikmom.

Apologize for bringing him into it, but then Have her clarify, privately, if she's really committed to having her room painted, and if so, that she will clean the wall today, otherwise you'll have to cancel the painter.
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Old 06-10-2019, 07:53 PM
  #18

Yes you were wrong. Your dd was entertaining a guest in your home and you embarrassed her. Cleaning the wall is not the responsibility of her friend. It sound like you deliberately picked this time to shame your daughter into washing the wall.

What if you had a friend or coworker you were visiting with and your daughter brought you a mop and bucket so your friend could help you clean the floor? That is what is looks like to her.
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Old 06-10-2019, 08:13 PM
  #19

Thank you, everybody! Setting a completion date really worked! The wall was washed today!
(And yes, I apologized! )
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