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dedicated101 dedicated101 is offline
 
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Bitter colleague
Old 08-31-2017, 12:27 PM
 
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Not so much advice, not even a "rant" per se, just in an awkward position and need to sound it out.

A co-worker asked me if I was going to a party at another co-worker's house. I said I was thinking I might. She informs me that she wasn't invited and that she's pissed. I said I was sorry and that maybe it was an accident. There are a lot of people on our staff.

So now she's being a little cold towards me. I get that she's hurt, I would be too I just am not sure why she's directing her attitude towards me? I'm sure it's not me, it's just how she's feeling but I've always been kind towards her and stood up for her when other people would complain.

Just wish if my other co-worker had a party she'd make sure to invite everyone. I hate feeling like one of the bad guys because I was invited.


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Yep, awkward
Old 08-31-2017, 04:37 PM
 
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No question that you're in an awkward position--caused by both of your co-workers. Oh, well. This too will pass.

I don't like being put in the middle either.
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Old 08-31-2017, 04:44 PM
 
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Quote:
There are a lot of people on our staff.
Quote:
Just wish if my other co-worker had a party she'd make sure to invite everyone.
I think the first quote addresses the second. None of it is your doing, so I wouldn't worry about it.
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Hostile Working Environment
Old 08-31-2017, 05:56 PM
 
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Kids in my district aren't allowed to hand out invitations at school because of this kind of thing. Many of the nicer parents will invite the whole class. I'm so impressed by these parents because they're typically the ones who are involved enough to know they're going to have stinkers there. But with a kind heart and a willingness for inclusiveness, they invite everyone.

I think the teacher who excluded the other teacher (no matter how annoying) is a small-minded, nasty on the inside person

There's my vent.

I'm editing to add more. I wouldn't go in this situation.
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:19 PM
 
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The Trunch: so if I have a party, at my home, off contract hours, I have to invite all 75 staff or risk creating a hostile work environment?

I'm really asking if this is the perception, because if someone I wasn't friends with had a party and I wasn't invited, I wouldn't think twice about it.


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Old 08-31-2017, 06:41 PM
 
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I agree that you shouldn't have to invite all 75 of your co-workers. I don't know if literally everyone was invited except one (I doubt it), but it was a party right after a school event that everyone was required to attend. It was assumed that everyone was invited, so people were talking about it in front of the lady who wasn't invited. It's tricky. I think I'd be hurt if I wasn't invited but I don't think I'd put someone else in an awkward position and say "how come I wasn't invited????" It is weird that it was all work people and some weren't invited. Ugh. This is giving me a headache.

As far as kid parties go-parents should not have to invite the whole class. But if they don't, they should mail invites or email. Not have the kid handing out invites in school.

This is why I'm glad I keep my social life separate from my work life
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Old 08-31-2017, 07:43 PM
 
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Quote:
I don't know if literally everyone was invited except one (I doubt it), but it was a party right after a school event that everyone was required to attend. It was assumed that everyone was invited, so people were talking about it in front of the lady who wasn't invited.
That is definitely awkward and it seems like everyone should have been invited? I handle stuff like that by sending a mass email to the entire staff.

Still, it wasn't your doing and the one left out should address it with the hostess, not you. I am sorry you were put in such a tough spot. And you're not a "bad guy" because you received an invitation!
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I wonder
Old 09-01-2017, 12:28 PM
 
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If you've gone to bat for her in the past, maybe her asking you about it was a veiled attempt to get you to resolve the situation for her. I.e. she was hoping she'd tell you she hadn't been invited, and that you would rush off to the offending colleague and secure her an invite.

This is a common tactic employed by rejection-sensitive people. They have a hard time asking directly for what they want or going directly to the person responsible. They make comments in an off-handed way in hopes that someone will step in and save them. It's also a way of saving face in event the original rejection was actually an oversight -- they're not seen to be overreacting.

If she's being cold, maybe she's annoyed that you didn't read her mind and pick up on the unspoken request.

Dealing with people like this can be very exhausting (and frequently confusing).
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Old 09-01-2017, 03:29 PM
 
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I agree with Angelo. I think your response was on target!

The one who wasn't invited should either talk with the hostess, or not worry about not having an invitation.

If she was offended that she wasn't invited, that is... It's a good time for the offended person to work on being a friend.
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Thanks everyone
Old 09-02-2017, 07:07 AM
 
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Your advice has helped and I feel a little better about it. It's a tricky situation because I see both sides, but don't feel as though my colleague who wasn't invited reacted appropriately. Well, time to move on I suppose.


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colleague
Old 09-02-2017, 07:55 AM
 
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It sounds to me like she's acting that way toward you in hopes of word getting back to the hostess at how she feels. She knows you're possibly going to the party so it's her "in" to let her feelings be known.

I definitely don't expect to be invited to every party someone on our staff hosts. There's no way we'd all fit. I don't like the thought of standing around chatting with some of them anyway since we all have different personalities. I tend to hang with ones that have similar interests as me. Some get together to booze it up all night. Some want to vent half the night. Others want to talk about other teachers all night. I don't prefer any of those. It depends on who you connect with.

It's hard that she got her feelings hurt, but just maybe things like that happen to help us look inward at our own interactions with others. I'm not saying she did anything to offend anyone, but maybe she'll reflect a little and see. If she gets her feelings hurt that easily, that could be part of the problem. It's hard being around someone who wears their heart on their sleeves. Nobody likes to walk on eggshells.

Sheesh....nothing like using two analogies in one paragraph.
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