I知 about done with him - ProTeacher Community




      
Home Join Now Search My Favorites
Help


      Teachers' Lounge


I知 about done with him

>

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Katluv's Avatar
Katluv Katluv is offline
 
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,370
Senior Member

Katluv
 
Katluv's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,370
Senior Member
I知 about done with him
Old 08-08-2021, 10:28 AM
  #1

My adult son is not acting like an adult. He is almost 25 and just being irresponsible and stupid. This has been an ongoing issue for a few years now. I thought by now he壇 grow up. I won稚 list the things he痴 doing or not doing because there are several.

I told him last night I知 about done having a relationship with him. My mental and physical health have been declining worrying about him and wondering if and when he値l change.

We致e always been super close and never in a million years did I think I壇 be posting something like this. He told me he loves me very much and he値l 電o better and 田hange but I致e heard it all before and it痴 the same old story.

I feel so defeated on this Sunday morning. I致e failed as a parent. It痴 killing me to write this.


Katluv is offline   Reply With Quote

eagles23's Avatar
eagles23 eagles23 is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,907
Senior Member

eagles23
 
eagles23's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,907
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 10:46 AM
  #2

I am so sorry! We were discussing at school this week that parenting our adult kids was way harder than when they were toddlers. (Mostly because we have absolutely no control.) Praying for you, your son, and your relationship.
eagles23 is offline   Reply With Quote
amiga13's Avatar
amiga13 amiga13 is online now
 
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 24,449
Senior Member

amiga13
 
amiga13's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 24,449
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 10:54 AM
  #3

I’m so sorry, I feel your pain.

In the misery loves company department: DH and I had to step away from our young adult son for a few years. It’s better now, not perfect, but better. To avoid having my soul repeatedly crushed, I’ve had to learn to not believe it until I see it—some people don’t understand the concept of a promise. I had to make some very difficult decisions after DH passed away and I wrote my will.

I’ll be thinking of you and hoping your DS grows up some.
amiga13 is online now   Reply With Quote
annie_g's Avatar
annie_g annie_g is offline
 
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 7,538
Senior Member

annie_g
 
annie_g's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 7,538
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 10:58 AM
  #4

I am so sorry. That must be so hard. Sending good thoughts your way!
annie_g is offline   Reply With Quote
Ima Spedtcher's Avatar
Ima Spedtcher Ima Spedtcher is offline
 
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,711
Senior Member

Ima Spedtcher
 
Ima Spedtcher's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,711
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 11:12 AM
  #5

I知 so sorry. My dd is the same age. They warn you about the terrible twos, you know adolescents are hard, potty training, and teaching them how to drive.I had no clue having adult children can be even harder sometimes!

I seriously don稚 know how my mom has done it with 8 of us!

Sending you supportive thoughts.


Ima Spedtcher is offline   Reply With Quote
SusanTeach's Avatar
SusanTeach SusanTeach is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 17,030
Senior Member

SusanTeach
 
SusanTeach's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 17,030
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 11:16 AM
  #6

Please don't feel like you've failed as a parent. Once they become adults, they make their own decisions, and have to take their own consequences. It's extremely hard for parents to watch. I know many and have experienced it myself.

My 3 children were so easy as kids and teenagers. When they hit their 20's, that's when it got hard for me. I feel your pain.

You can still love your son without condoning the things he's doing/not doing. Keep praying for him. Some take longer than others to grow up.
SusanTeach is offline   Reply With Quote
cruxian's Avatar
cruxian cruxian is offline
 
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 9,830
Senior Member

cruxian
 
cruxian's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 9,830
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 11:19 AM
  #7

I am so very sorry. The parenting road is a hard one.
cruxian is offline   Reply With Quote
anna's Avatar
anna anna is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 15,692
Senior Member

anna
 
anna's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 15,692
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 12:03 PM
  #8

I am sorry for your worries. Parenting an irresponsible adult is stressful. DH and I went through some irresponsibility nightmares from our young adult son and the only way he finally straightened up was to finally stop helping him. We were on the road to letting go and when DS pulled the final straw we cut the apron string completely. He lost his hard earned car . He had let an unpaid stack of tickets pile up and one morning woke up to the car being gone. The city took it. Three years later he paid off his debt to the city and slowly earned money to get a car on his own. I remember worrying so much about him riding his bike to and from school and work in the dark and sometimes in the rain. He made it through this rough patch and is a very responsible adult now. I believe your son will pull through and so will you.
anna is offline   Reply With Quote
linda2671's Avatar
linda2671 linda2671 is offline
 
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 26,068
Senior Member

linda2671
 
linda2671's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 26,068
Senior Member
Step back but not out
Old 08-08-2021, 01:21 PM
  #9

You need to step back for your own mental health, but consider letting him know you will never step out of his life completely. He needs to know you will always love him, even if you cannot be a part of his life right now.
linda2671 is offline   Reply With Quote
Ima Spedtcher's Avatar
Ima Spedtcher Ima Spedtcher is offline
 
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,711
Senior Member

Ima Spedtcher
 
Ima Spedtcher's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,711
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 02:27 PM
  #10

Quote:
I seriously don’t know how my mom has done it with 8 of us!
Come to think of it- I don’t think she is happy with how any of us turned out

It’s the letting go, standing back while they create their own successes and messes that is so hard to do as a parent.

But don’t ever say you failed! I consider getting them to 18 a success. Anything they do well after 18 gives you parenting bonus points, and any major screw up is on the new adult you created- you did manage get them to 18 after all!


Ima Spedtcher is offline   Reply With Quote
Tori58 Tori58 is offline
 
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,941
Senior Member

Tori58
 
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,941
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 02:28 PM
  #11

If you can find a way to do it, try to cut the apron strings and detach yourself emotionally without making a complete break. I would agree that the transition into adulthood is absolutely the most difficult part of parenting because you feel so helpless. It's not fun watching them face the consequences of their own irresponsibility but sometimes it's the only way they learn.

Not that girls are easy, either, but it seems to be a pretty common thing for young men to keep acting like adolescents well into their 20's. You haven't failed.
Tori58 is offline   Reply With Quote
Starr Starr is offline
 
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,716
Senior Member

Starr
 
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,716
Senior Member

Old 08-08-2021, 04:56 PM
  #12

I have a brother who was a complete mess at that age. I think my parents thought he'd be that middle aged dude living in their basement forever. They tried so many things, went out of their way to try and get him help, but he just wasn't motivated. Eventually I think they just resigned themselves to reality and took a step back and stopped trying.

It took him a few years, but he got decided to get his act together when he was 30. Moved out, made a fresh start in a new city, found a job path that suited him (he's just not cut out for the 9-5 type of job) and hung in there even though it was tough going for the first few years. I think that was the first time in his life where he didn't give up when things were hard.

It's 10 years later and he's come such a long way, I don't think any of us would have predicted he'd be a responsible homeowner with a good credit score, and with a thriving career who has made a good life for himself. (Of course, now my parents are hoping he will settle down and have a family, but that just shows how far he's come, they couldn't even envision that for him at age 25.)

I'm leaving out a lot of the gory details, so believe me, if he could accomplish this turn around, almost anyone can.
Starr is offline   Reply With Quote
Coopsgrammy's Avatar
Coopsgrammy Coopsgrammy is offline
 
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 4,937
Senior Member

Coopsgrammy
 
Coopsgrammy's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 4,937
Senior Member
Adult Kids
Old 08-08-2021, 06:12 PM
  #13

My DS is 32, and finally seems to be "getting it together ". Hoping it sticks this time.
Hang in there!
Coopsgrammy is offline   Reply With Quote
linda2671's Avatar
linda2671 linda2671 is offline
 
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 26,068
Senior Member

linda2671
 
linda2671's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 26,068
Senior Member
Some teens brains don稚 fully develop til after 25
Old 08-08-2021, 06:16 PM
  #14

They have done studies.
https://paradigmtreatment.com/teens-...developed-age/
linda2671 is offline   Reply With Quote
Loveslabs Loveslabs is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 902
Senior Member

Loveslabs
 
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 902
Senior Member
Adult Children
Old 08-09-2021, 03:54 AM
  #15

I just posted last week about my struggles with parenting an adult child. Parenting is so hard!

My brother was a hot mess all of his life until he ended up with sole custody of his child. The child痴 mom disappeared. At the time, my brother was 46. If my brother can turn his life around, then anyone else can certainly do the same. Like a previous poster stated I知 leaving out the gory details, but trust me when I say miracles can and do happen.

Hang in there!
Loveslabs is offline   Reply With Quote
twin2 twin2 is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 16,492
Senior Member

twin2
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 16,492
Senior Member
You didn't fail as a parent
Old 08-09-2021, 06:06 AM
  #16

Twenty five is still a little young for some people to "get it together". There is always hope. Sometimes we just need protect ourselves from what they are doing, but don't ever give up. At the least, they need to know we love them and have faith in them to get on the right track. Sometimes though, they need a wake up call. Maybe what you did is just that, a wake up call.

When my oldest two made me feel like a failure by their choices, my pastor said there are no perfect parents. He reminded me that even Adam and Eve weren't messed up. I had trouble believing things could ever be right again, but many years later, things are much better.
twin2 is offline   Reply With Quote
MKat MKat is offline
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

MKat
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

Old 08-09-2021, 08:19 AM
  #17

I see great hope in the fact that he admitted he needs to change and do better. That's a big part of the battle right there!
MKat is offline   Reply With Quote
luvmycat's Avatar
luvmycat luvmycat is online now
 
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,868
Senior Member

luvmycat
 
luvmycat's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,868
Senior Member

Old 08-09-2021, 10:21 AM
  #18

I really appreciate the support that I hear so many of you continue to provide for your adult children even when they may fall short of your expectations. You are truly good role models.

Hang in there Katluv!
luvmycat is online now   Reply With Quote
Katluv's Avatar
Katluv Katluv is offline
 
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,370
Senior Member

Katluv
 
Katluv's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,370
Senior Member
Thanks for all
Old 08-10-2021, 06:54 PM
  #19

Of the kind words and advice. We are talking a bit and trying to work through things.

My son is just doing dumb things, nothing super serious or harmful. He knows I WILL step away if necessary. Hopefully he値l grow up and it won稚 come to that!

I知 hanging in there!
Katluv is offline   Reply With Quote

Join the conversation! Post as a guest or become a member today. New members welcome!

Reply

 

>
Teachers' Lounge
Thread Tools




Sign Up Now

Sign Up FREE | ProTeacher Help | BusyBoard

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 08:57 PM.

Copyright © 2019 ProTeacher®
For individual use only. Do not copy, reproduce or transmit.
source: www.proteacher.net
18