Doing things with your partner - ProTeacher Community




      
Home Join Now Search My Favorites
Help


      Teachers' Lounge


Doing things with your partner

>

Reply
 
Thread Tools
2teach2's Avatar
2teach2 2teach2 is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 6,651
Senior Member

2teach2
 
2teach2's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 6,651
Senior Member
Doing things with your partner
Old 09-21-2021, 08:17 PM
  #1

Do you and your SO/partner do things/go places together? I'm becoming increasingly frustrated at how my DH and I pretty much don't do anything together. Luckily, I have my DS and DD to hang out with, but once in awhile I'd like to go with my hubby to a baseball game or a concert. I love to travel, but DH will not fly, and he's almost impossible to drive with (tailgating, low-key road rage). I'm not liking the picture I am getting of retirement in a couple of years. Just wondering if there are others out there in the same boat.....


2teach2 is offline   Reply With Quote

ICrazyTeach's Avatar
ICrazyTeach ICrazyTeach is offline
 
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 5,937
Senior Member

ICrazyTeach
 
ICrazyTeach's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 5,937
Senior Member

Old 09-21-2021, 08:27 PM
  #2

We don't exactly have a healthy relationship, so not a great example...

DH would be content to never leave the house again except to go to the same 4 restaurants, Costco, and Harbor Freight. Anything I go out and do I do with friends or other family.
ICrazyTeach is offline   Reply With Quote
1956BD's Avatar
1956BD 1956BD is online now
 
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 29,668
Senior Member

1956BD
 
1956BD's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 29,668
Senior Member
Before my husband passed away
Old 09-21-2021, 08:57 PM
  #3

we did almost everything together except for his weekly band practice and my art classes. IT WAS WONDERFUL!
1956BD is online now   Reply With Quote
MKat MKat is offline
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

MKat
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

Old 09-21-2021, 09:43 PM
  #4

I am married to someone who craves routine. He thinks he likes to do things that make me happy, but is so clueless sometimes. I'm in a period of grief dealing with the death of my dad and a sick mom and he's been trying really hard to help me. I had to call him out because he keeps trying to tie me into his routines, things that make HIM feel better!

In general, we've always tried to combine our styles. Lots of routine for him mixed with interesting outings for me. I just have to remind him sometimes!

Stick up for yourself. Take turns planning things you can do together and maybe you'll find new favorites.
MKat is offline   Reply With Quote
MKat MKat is offline
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

MKat
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

Old 09-21-2021, 09:45 PM
  #5

I am married to someone who craves routine. He thinks he likes to do things that make me happy, but is so clueless sometimes. I'm in a period of grief dealing with the death of my dad and a sick mom and he's been trying really hard to help me. I had to call him because he keeps trying to tie me into his routines, things that make HIM feel better!

In general, we've always tried to combine our styles. Lots of routine for him mixed with interesting outings for me. I just have to remind him sometimes!

Stick up for yourself. Take turns planning things you can do together and maybe you'll find new favorites.


MKat is offline   Reply With Quote
MKat MKat is offline
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

MKat
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,346
Senior Member

Old 09-21-2021, 09:48 PM
  #6

Why won't it let me delete the double post and WHY the hotdog?
MKat is offline   Reply With Quote
PoohBear's Avatar
PoohBear PoohBear is offline
 
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,074
Senior Member

PoohBear
 
PoohBear's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,074
Senior Member
togetherness
Old 09-21-2021, 10:07 PM
  #7

We've been married 50 years and there have been times of lots of togetherness and times spent more doing our own thing. I'm more of a go and do person but he's generally willing to tag along if I suggest it. He does like to travel but since there's been none of that for the past 18 months he's gotten comfortable with just being home.

I don't think there's any one ideal way to be a couple as long as you're both content with it but it sounds as if you would like things to be different. I sometimes just tell my DH that we're doing something, how would your DH react to that?

If it's clear that he's just not going to be your companion outside the home, cultivate friendships that will allow you to continue to be active once your kids are grown. I don't just travel with DH, I also travel with friends and it's great fun!
PoohBear is offline   Reply With Quote
jazzer jazzer is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 6,458
Senior Member

jazzer
 
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 6,458
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 03:44 AM
  #8

My husband and I do almost everything together. Occasionally there are gigs I play or theatre rehearsal that I go to that he does not, and some he went to when he was still dating that I didnít go to , but we do most things together.
jazzer is offline   Reply With Quote
choppie70's Avatar
choppie70 choppie70 is offline
 
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 6,938
Senior Member

choppie70
 
choppie70's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 6,938
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 04:30 AM
  #9

DH and I do a lot of things together. We do regular date nights alone, and with my sister and her husband.

We enjoy being outside so we hike, boat, and kayak together.

But, due to work schedules, we do not do everything together. DH works weekends so I often hike or do things with friends or daughter.

When he has a weekday off, he will often go to the shooting range, or go fishing with a friend, my BIL or himself.
choppie70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Lottalove's Avatar
Lottalove Lottalove is offline
 
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,507
Senior Member

Lottalove
 
Lottalove's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,507
Senior Member
LOL. Opposite problem.
Old 09-22-2021, 04:41 AM
  #10

DH is retired-- I am not. Many days, he waits until I get home and wants to "do stuff." I am pooped. I have told him repeatedly that he can run errands, etc. during the day but he wants to wait on me. I don't wanna go... (hear the whine....)

In our relationship, I am the one wanting routine and sameness... and maybe a little alone time. I feel like I don't have any decompression time.

I guess I should not complain.


Lottalove is offline   Reply With Quote
kahluablast's Avatar
kahluablast kahluablast is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 22,081
Senior Member

kahluablast
 
kahluablast's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 22,081
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 04:58 AM
  #11

My dh and I do a lot separately. We do a few things together. We both like to bike, so we do that together often. However, I like to hike, so sometimes when he bikes, I hike. In the recent couple of months, he has taken short hikes with me and he hasn't done that since our girls were young!

He also likes to ride a dirt bike. I have an atv so we can do it together. Same thing, though- I don't want to just do that, so he goes by himself and I often hike instead.

Other than outdoor things, we do things alone. I do think that will change when we retire (and might drive me crazy!). I don't really want to go shopping with him, yet last week we did the shopping together and it wasn't as horrible as it was the last time-maybe 30 years ago! (*That is for you MKat).

I recently told my dh that we need to develop some friends to do something with. Soon after that HE wanted to go to the neighborhood gathering..He also met me and a friend for dinner after we had happy hour. Interesting, because if I had said that 10 years ago it wouldn't have made a difference. Now, with the pandemic and closer retirement (or his maturity), he heard me.

Last edited by kahluablast; 09-22-2021 at 05:30 AM..
kahluablast is offline   Reply With Quote
maryteach maryteach is offline
 
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,381
Senior Member

maryteach
 
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,381
Senior Member
We used to do everything together
Old 09-22-2021, 05:05 AM
  #12

and it was fun. Over the past several months, however, my husband has been having really severe emotional issues and he cannot go a lot of places anymore or do a lot of things. I am retired now and I want to go to all the Smithsonian museums (we're in Maryland). He wants to go too, but just can't. I went all the way down to the National Aquarium on Monday and enjoyed that and next week, I am going to the Museum of African American History--but I will have to go alone. He can't even go to Costco.

He is in therapy, on Zoloft, doing meditation and relaxation techniques. Some days, he is a little better, but the past week has been very hard for him. He tells me he doesn't want to ruin my retirement, and he wants me to go ahead and do the things I want to do, so I do, but it's lonely.

We used to go to restaurants, go on road trips, and he used to LOVE shopping, and I mean shopping for absolutely anything. I miss him.
maryteach is offline   Reply With Quote
Cassyree Cassyree is offline
 
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,552
Senior Member

Cassyree
 
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,552
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 05:08 AM
  #13

Good marriages, like any good relationship, require that you have meaningful lives together and meaningful separate lives. I can't imagine a good marriage without some common interests and enjoyed time together, including a meeting of the minds in conversation and laughter. I think a marriage without some separate interests, activities, and friends, could be confining and boring. Even in marriage, you don't want all your eggs in one basket. The idea is to live your best life together and apart.
Cassyree is offline   Reply With Quote
Song of Joy Song of Joy is online now
 
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 3,198
Senior Member

Song of Joy
 
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 3,198
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 07:20 AM
  #14

I agree with [QUOTE]The idea is to live your best life together and apart.[/QUOTE

We're semi-retired now, we both work 3 days a week at flexible jobs, we save one day a week for our "date day", and 1 day a week for our separate activities. There's still the weekend for church activities, family events, etc.

Doing things with my DH is fun, but I also want to be prepared if he passes on before I do. I want to have a support system and a social circle of my own that will carry on without DH so I put effort into both my interests and our joint interests.

If you did the driving, would excursions be more fun? We do some simple stuff. Examples from August/Sept: Drove to the mountains to pick huckleberries, went to a Naval Undersea Museum, drove to the ocean and watched whale watching boats find whales and visited a lighthouse, went to an interpretive center for Lewis & Clark, packed a lunch and took a hike, attended a free Highlands celebration and listened to a Celtic band, and now we're getting ready to have an apple cider pressing event at our home. I'm the planner and DH is the dad joke teller.
Song of Joy is online now   Reply With Quote
Linda/OH's Avatar
Linda/OH Linda/OH is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,845
Senior Member

Linda/OH
 
Linda/OH's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,845
Senior Member
partners
Old 09-22-2021, 07:58 AM
  #15

I'm fascinated by the responses to this question-a very good one to ponder!

I've been retired 2 years and DH just retired in June. We are navigating our time together. We have some shared loves and spend time biking, traveling and gardening to name a few. But daily we have time apart. It just works for us. He has a workshop and I do stuff in or around the home. But believe me, we are working this all out. It's not always easy!

I'm assuming you have shared some of your feelings with him? A plan that includes togetherness and apartness seems like a good fit for you (and probably most people)
Linda/OH is offline   Reply With Quote
SusanTeach's Avatar
SusanTeach SusanTeach is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 17,030
Senior Member

SusanTeach
 
SusanTeach's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 17,030
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 03:16 PM
  #16

We love to do things together now, but we didn't do as much when the kids were younger. I think we were just both exhausted.

We've been married 30 years now and once the kids got older we started reconnecting and finding areas we had in common (like football games, hanging out with friends, dinner dates, and traveling). We still do things separately occasionally (like golfing for him and shopping for me), so I feel like it's a great balance without forcing the other to do things we're not truly interested in doing.

If I were you, I'd look into a train trip or see if he'll let YOU drive (tell him he'll get to "relax", so it doesn't hurt his feelings). Find things you both like to do locally and just plan them out (like a baseball game or concert). DH and I have a shared calendar on our phones, so we can easily look to see if either of us has plans before planning something.
SusanTeach is offline   Reply With Quote
Ima Teacher's Avatar
Ima Teacher Ima Teacher is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 31,053
Senior Member

Ima Teacher
 
Ima Teacher's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 31,053
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 04:05 PM
  #17

Marriage 1: He wanted to go everywhere together, but only where he wanted to go. No matter where we went, there was always an argument. He did not like for me to go out with friends or by myself, so he would do things to make it a miserable experience (like calling me constantly or going even when he wasnít invited).

Marriage 2: We do most things together. We each pick activities. Sometimes we go out with friends without the other one. It is nothing like marriage 1, thank goodness.
Ima Teacher is offline   Reply With Quote
marguerite2 marguerite2 is offline
 
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 3,253
Senior Member

marguerite2
 
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 3,253
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 04:15 PM
  #18

DHís first wife was disabled and didnít drive so he was used to doing everything with her. I think he was relieved after our marriage when I said Iíd go to the grocery store alone. We each had our alone activities along with our joint activities.

Now DH has some medical issues and we are pretty much joined at the hip. I do go out for a few hours with friends, but he now pushes the basket in the grocery store and unless a friend picks him up we are together. He goes to bed earlier than I, and I relish that time.
marguerite2 is offline   Reply With Quote
2teach2's Avatar
2teach2 2teach2 is offline
 
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 6,651
Senior Member

2teach2
 
2teach2's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 6,651
Senior Member
Thank you!
Old 09-22-2021, 04:55 PM
  #19

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences! It was very interesting to read all of the ways couples negotiate their time together and apart. DH and I do need to have some conversations about how we spend our time.
2teach2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sam5's Avatar
Sam5 Sam5 is offline
 
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,488
Senior Member

Sam5
 
Sam5's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,488
Senior Member

Old 09-22-2021, 06:15 PM
  #20

We travel in an RV together for months at a time. We are basically together 24/7 then. We also own electric bikes we ride together all the time. They were the best purchase we ever made.

Other times we do things separately. I tend to go out with friends more than he does.
Sam5 is offline   Reply With Quote
KingbirdQueen's Avatar
KingbirdQueen KingbirdQueen is offline
 
Joined: May 2021
Posts: 348
Full Member

KingbirdQueen
 
KingbirdQueen's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2021
Posts: 348
Full Member

Old 09-22-2021, 06:53 PM
  #21

My DH and I are always together outside of work time. I get almost no alone time. I have an early riser son that takes what used to be my alone time.

My husband wants me to go to bed at his time and can’t sleep without me.

I actually need to have alone time and I don’t get it ever as I have night owls and morning birds and there’s no way to. It seems I’ll always be with someone else. I almost feel dissociative with who I used to be.

I think I complained about it here ten years ago under a different name and I remember being told that I was lucky and that my husband was nice to always want me and that I should just accept it. I did.

But it is so very difficult as I am an extreme introvert and I feel so tired to never be able to truly recharge.

DH loves to be busy and travel and hates to be without me. I am a security blanket. A service human. An emotional support human. I don’t even feel like a human sometimes. Just a support creature. Lol. I think it’s almost normal for my phase of life though. Married with children still in the nest.

But anyway, we do everything outside of work together. But I’m nit sure it’s a good thing for me. It just is.
KingbirdQueen is offline   Reply With Quote
cvt's Avatar
cvt cvt is offline
 
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10,761
Senior Member

cvt
 
cvt's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10,761
Senior Member
togetherness
Old 09-23-2021, 11:38 AM
  #22

Quote:
I'm not liking the picture I am getting of retirement in a couple of years.
Retirement will require adjustments by both of you. Since it is still a few years away, perhaps now is a good time to start talking about expectations. Maybe he thinks you are OK with the status quo. Often guys are clueless, unless you spell it out for them.

Quote:
and he's almost impossible to drive with
This is a problem we have as well. DH thinks he is a great driver and that I'm a terrible backseat driver, but I do not like his Formula 1-style of driving. Lately I've been doing most of the driving, but I realize that if we start doing long-distance trips again, I will have to let him drive too.

Quote:
Good marriages, like any good relationship, require that you have meaningful lives together and meaningful separate lives.
After DH#1 died, I realized that I had catered to DH#1 my entire married life, and that I had gradually stopped doing what I enjoyed and just went along with what he wanted to do. I had to reinvent myself and take care of me.

DH#2 and I do some things together and other things on our own. He likes trail biking, while I love day hiking. He likes wilderness backpacking, but I no longer like to sleep on a thin sleeping pad or eat gross freeze-dried backpacking meals (just pour in the hot water). He likes rock climbing, but I don't care for it anymore after a few mishaps. So he rides his bike by himself, I hike by myself, he backpacks the Sierras by himself and goes rock climbing with buddies, while I get together with like-minded friends.
We often travel together, but we also travel separately, depending on the situation. I love traveling with him, especially to places we haven't been before. I also love to travel by myself, and have done international trips on my own or with my DDs.
cvt is offline   Reply With Quote

Join the conversation! Post as a guest or become a member today. New members welcome!

Reply

 

>
Teachers' Lounge
Thread Tools




Sign Up Now

Sign Up FREE | ProTeacher Help | BusyBoard

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:19 PM.

Copyright © 2019 ProTeacher®
For individual use only. Do not copy, reproduce or transmit.
source: www.proteacher.net
21