[RJean]

I need help with a VERY passive aggressive child - 6th grade boy

He is PERFECT when he wants something, but when he doesn't - nothing gets done. He then whines about not getting help but won't listen when he gets help and then complains that he's not smart (oh he is he just wants everyone else to do the work for him).

I need some help... I ignore, but then he does nothing--- ABSOLUTELY nothing!

Oh... yeah, mom says he does much better with rewards rather than punishments so I should reward him more (uh.... we ALLL do better with rewards! - I don't bribe...and there is NO way he is getting more rewards that my students who are not rude and do everything they are supposed to - i HATE that! all my kids who do what they need to do get multiple, random, rewards..... that's evidently not good enough)

[gottaread]

This merits a call to the school psychologist. He is manipulative and he needs attention, but not from you as his teacher. This needs to be addressed outside of your classroom. Wow...I do feel your pain. It sounds like he is controlling (or attempting to) the classroom climate and you shouldn't have to put up with that. Let us know how this develops. Have you called for a conference with the family? Maybe request a meeting with the school psychologist present. Sounds to me like he needs a behavior plan set up. Good luck.

Mom told you how to motivate the child. Some people work this way. If you talk to the school psychologist with the parent involved I bet the first thing that you will be expected to try is consistent rewards. Sorry you don't agree with them, but it seems your method isn't reaching the student nor is it changing his behavior.

So, what is your goal? Getting the student to comply with the way you want to run things or getting the child to learn and succeed in his academic school work?

[BigwigRabbit]

I'm going to agree with gottaread. Giving this student more rewards will encourage the behavior, not extinguish it. The goal is to help the student work and live normally, i.e., to do things because he is supposed to, not because he is rewarded each time. If he is taught that his current behavior is successful, he'll not change it. Rather, he will increase its intensity.

[Mrs.Lilbit]

I would've told this mother that if rewards are what motivates him, then you will report to her how he is doing and SHE can do the rewarding. IMO, incessant rewarding is what has created this monster! He is a dog that only does tricks for treats.

[AD]

I agree with not rewarding children to get them to do what they should just be doing. It's bribery. Those children will always expect rewards for what they should just be doing.

I have a child like that in my class. Unfortunately she has missed fun activities due to her behavior. The other week we watched a short movie after I had read the book aloud. I did have her sit in the hallway for part of the movie. I was gutted that I had to do that (I don't like little kids to miss out like that), but she needed to understand that her prior actions decide what happens later on. She was perfect that day leading up to the movie, because she knew the movie would be that day, but I talked to her about how the days before she didn't listen or did whatever and that I had reminded her of the movie. Being good just before something isn't enough!

I do send home a slip letting her mom know how she does during each part of the day. I do believe her mom offers or gives her some kind of reward, but I did tell the mom that I would not be offering her rewards at school.

I have to do some ignoring, she has to sit away from the group at times but can come back when she is ready to do what she is supposed to do (she doesn't like to be away from everyone), and I do a lot of problem solving with her and making good choices, what are choices we can make, etc...Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, but I'm hoping that my continued efforts will finally sink in and the light bulb will go off!!!!

[RJean]

well....

I am not sure it came across in my first message (I was quite ) - I do rewards, just for people who earn them - not for people who manipulate for them:-)

My goal? To help this child progressively take more responsibility for himself so that he can grow up to be a successful member of society. He is not taking responsibility for himself when he whines it's all someone else's fault that he didn't do what he needed to do.

I have started doing a t-chart for him checks for doing well, checks for not doing well - he seems to like this except when he forgot everything at home and couldn't do anything for the whole day (this is about the 7th time this year he has forgotten everything) so he was rude and disrespectful

He talks to our counselor all the time. I've met with mom (who is on her way to becoming a psychologist-- she told me (after my last poste) she knows that "nothing works with him" and she "doesn't know what to do with him")... I've called her and emailed her multiple times....
she's all supportive until I asked that she help him set up a routine at night - do homework, check agenda, get a signature, put everything in backpack zipped, next to the door --- she doesn't want to have to check his agenda and said she'll check our online homework thing instead (he's not responsible for that--- so how does that help? --especially when the homework that he is REALLY far behind on is not posted because it was due two days ago) so I started the agenda, signed it and again asked her to- of course that was the day he forgot everything... then she said she'll see if she can "try" the routine,but doesn't know if it will work....she said she didn't know what to do, asked for any ideas, i gave her one and she hasn't even tried it, but doesn;t know if it will work ---if homework is not completed and in his backpack before he goes to sleep --- he's not going to be organized enough in the morning to get it all around


Sounds like I am fighting more with mom and what she has taught her child/ not holding him accountable for actions...more than anything else.

Oh well, I have her email address and phone number..... I will just send a million updates so she can't come back and say I didnt try -