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Dd (15) having sex (long)
Old 05-27-2012, 02:30 PM
 
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I am a senior member but signed out to protect my secret identity.

My dd is 15 years old and just finished her sophomore year of HS, and let's just say it has been a VERY rough year.

She attempted suicide in Feb, has started therapy as well as meds to treat depression and anxiety and it seems to have helped.

However, a couple of weeks ago I noticed bruises on DDs arms that looked just like finger marks- like someone had grabbed her. She also had a scrape up her back, and other weird bruises. When asked about them she just said she didn't know where they came from. I asked her is someone was hurting her and she acted as if I was crazy.

It was driving ME crazy not knowing what was going on with her, so at the begining of this week I read her journal (I normally would NEVER have done this). In her journal she talked about having sex with her boyfriend in public bathrooms (one particular bathroom is a very disgusting place where druggies, drunks, and homeless people hang out- she is so lucky she wasn't gang raped). She also mentioned in her journal that I had noticed the bruises and that she needed to stop making her boyfriend mad at her. There was also a lot about how she felt her boyfriend was pulling away from her and how she needed him, and needed to keep him.......

I have ALWAYS talked to her about sex, I have even offered to take her to the dr to get birth control. I have even given her an out and offered birth control to manage her periods- she refused. I have pointed out the public health clinic where she can get free birth control if she didn't want to talk to me about it.......nope she just has unprotected sex. This is a child who is supposedly gifted. She made a 2300 on her first try of the SAT, she easily makes good grades, but she risks her life to please a boy and lets this boy abuse her?????

When I confronted her about the sex she lied about it and lied about it until I made her take a pregnancy test (thank god it was negative) and took her to an obgyn to get her birth control and checked for STDs (no results yet). When she finally admitted to having sex with him she went on and on about how she loves him with all her heart and is going to marry him and have his kids and all that other nauseating teen love crap.

I have talked to his parents and told them about the sex and my suspicions of abuse, his parents were (thankfully) horrified as to what was going on. They will not be seeing each other this summer, but once school starts we really can't keep them apart. Plus we don't want to turn this into some kind of romantic forbidden love thing. I have also blocked his number from her cell. If they want to talk to each other it needs to be on either my husband's cell or my cell and in the same room as us (just like when I was a kid and the home phone was attached to a wall in the living room).

Part of me, actually all of me wonders where we went wrong with her. We do live in a high poverty area and she went to high poverty schools every year until she started high school, but she always had good friends and great teachers- but did she just absorb poverty values? At home we always stressed education and have always tried to model a normal and healthy relationship.

I am just lost- I don't know what else to do. I don't know if this is a case of normal stupid teenaged stupidity, or if this is a form of self abuse like cutting. That she is having unsafe sex in unsafe locations, and possibly letting this boy hurt her as a way of hurting herself. (they both deny any abuse- but would they really ever admit it if there was abuse?). We have an appointment with the therapist in a couple of days- but until then I just need to let it out!

I feel as if she is throwing her life away. If she keeps going on the path she is on she will probably end up pregnant before she is 18, and if she is still so "in love" with this or another jerk she will end up getting married and trapped in the same cycle of poverty that I see many of my old students stuck in. It is so sad, because she really could do anything she wants- but THIS is what she thinks she wants. Also, right now I HATE this boy with all my heart. What if she DID get pregnant with his child (the thought makes me want to puke), I wonder if I could even love the baby at all........

On the positive....she is NOT pregnant, she will not be seeing him for two months, she is on birth control now (still need to buy her condoms), my DH is taking this much better than I expected, in fact he is taking it better than I am. I just hope we all live through this.


 

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Old 05-27-2012, 02:49 PM
 
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You're a mom going through a lot. I'm sorry that this is so hard on you. You've done your job as a parent by talking with your daughter and getting to the bottom of things without giving up on her. Even though she's not going to act like it, she appreciates what you're doing. I'm just wondering what are poverty values? Anyway, good luck with everything. Take some time to remember that you were once a teen who sometimes made bad decisions. Continue to talk to your daughter it will work out for you in the long run.
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(((((((hugs)))))))
Old 05-27-2012, 02:51 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds as if you handled it wonderfully and it is a blessing that his parents are on the same page as you are and the results of the tests so far are good news.
Good idea going to the therapist and taking away the unsupervised phone privileges. Hopefully this is a phase that she will grow out of before anything permanent comes out of it. Is there some way that you and DH can shower her with family or send her to visit an out of town relative for awhile so she can develop other interests that are perhaps safer and more wholesome than her current interests?
Is it too early for some college tours or some summer class that you two could take together? Like swimming or something where you could both enjoy, but you could be supervising her? It sounds like she needs attention but in a more grown up way so she can have some of the cool grown-up things that don't include being an unwed teenage mother to look forward to.
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Old 05-27-2012, 02:53 PM
 
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sending an ear your way..you did not ask for advice but I do hear and feel your worries
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Old 05-27-2012, 02:55 PM
 
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There is little comfort in the fact that she got lucky this time. And from her comments sees nothing wrong with what she is doing so asking her to count on being smart seems out of the question. If she isn't getting counseling, now is more than the time. Are you able to transfer her to a new school (even if you have to lean heavily on the fact that her boyfriend hurt her)? She seems very love and baby fixated. She is acting like she feels less than without his guy. Big red flags. Good luck to you .


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I wrote almost your exact post
Old 05-27-2012, 02:57 PM
 
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Three years ago when my step daughter was involved with someone. She was skipping school and they were having unprotected sex. He was also abusive to her physically and emotionally. He said she was chubby (she weighed 121 lbs) so she stopped eating and began to lose weight. She got down to 92 pounds at one point. We thank God that all of her STD tests came back negative and that she didn't get pregnant. We were also worried about the whole Romeo and Juliet thing if we told them they couldn't be together, it was a mess! I know that you don't want to out yourself. If you are willing to send me a PM I can give you more specific information about what we did. When I say we, I mean DH, his ex wife and me. We had to put our stuff aside to save my step daughter. The first place I began though was a recommendation from my school social worker who is a friend. I told him the exact situation and he was able to recommend someone that specialized in that area of concern for teens. We began with counseling and setting limits. We couldn't keep them apart at school, we discovered that she changed every single class to make sure they were together by forging a parent signature. The counselor changed her classes. That won't apply to you immediately since school is almost out. But there were other things we did. I hope you will send me a PM.

Last edited by Lady Teacher; 05-27-2012 at 03:43 PM..
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No advice
Old 05-27-2012, 08:56 PM
 
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because you've gotten plenty of good advice, and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just know that you have lots of moms out here who are feeling your pain. We've either been there, or anticipated being there. Many blessings as you work through this journey with your daughter. You will look back and see all the lessons learned. That's a promise.
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I think
Old 05-27-2012, 10:21 PM
 
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It sounds like your dd is in a lot of pain. I think that a lot of young girls equate sex with love. They feel so unloved and they think that if he's having sex with me he must love me. Of course, we know that most young boys just think yippee! sex! I'm sorry you're going through this and I think you have the right idea by seeing a therapist.
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{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Old 05-28-2012, 03:40 AM
 
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Quote:
I don't know if this is a case of normal stupid teenaged stupidity, or if this is a form of self abuse like cutting. That she is having unsafe sex in unsafe locations, and possibly letting this boy hurt her as a way of hurting herself. (they both deny any abuse- but would they really ever admit it if there was abuse?).
Bingo.


This is going to make your relationship with your dd even more rocky.
How old is the boy? Around here, if the boy is 17+ and is having sex with a 15 yo, there are legal issues.

It's good you are seeing the therapist soon.
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Bless your heart
Old 05-28-2012, 03:52 AM
 
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Although I have not experienced this particular situation with a teenager, I can vouch for the stupid and irresponsible things teenagers get themselves into. It can destroy marriages and families. First take care of your marriage and seek out all available help for this child. The abuse concerns me greatly. Hugs and prayers to all
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Old 05-28-2012, 05:01 AM
 
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((hugs)) for you and your daughter!! I hope things start to get better soon.
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Old 05-28-2012, 05:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Part of me, actually all of me wonders where we went wrong with her. We do live in a high poverty area and she went to high poverty schools every year until she started high school, but she always had good friends and great teachers- but did she just absorb poverty values? At home we always stressed education and have always tried to model a normal and healthy relationship.
First- have you watched TV lately? These values have nothing to do with socioeconomic status. I deal with wealthy kids in a private school who do things like:
ask- which is better, vaginal or anal sex?(from a girl)
ask- is it true that girls like guys who shave their genital? (from a guy)
kids pass out condoms at baseball games
three varsity basketball players caught smoking pot before practice
14y/o kid steals his moms car, wrecks it and spends the next four months in rehab to learn to walk again.

I was your daughter 30 years ago. I went to some dark places. I turned out ok, but it wasn't easy. My mother was toxic. Demeaning. Insulting. Arrogant. Sociopathic.

My only advice is to not waste time finding a source of blame, but to fight for your daughter. She is looking for something- love, acceptance, fun? For me (and my sister) we needed to be lived for who we were. No one ever told us we were pretty or had any value. But I don't know what your daughter is looking for. It's a battle for her spirit.
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(((hugs)))
Old 05-28-2012, 05:22 AM
 
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No, advice, just wanted to commend you for your quick actions and your love and concern for your daughter. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. She is lucky to have you in her life, fighting for her with all you've got.
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Be careful about
Old 05-28-2012, 05:32 AM
 
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the forbidden thing. My parents refused to let me see my "boyfriend" when I was 16-17. I ended up sneaking around for a year seeing him. Looking back I see what scum he was but by golly I wasn't going to let my parents tell me who I could see.

I am praying for you and your daughter.
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Old 05-28-2012, 06:38 AM
 
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I'm sorry you are going through this. My best friend in high school had a "forbidden romance" and was going to see that boy come hell or high water. In fact, her mom could have written your post (minus the abuse part). The best thing her parents did was notify the school and counselor. We live in a small town, so it was easy for them to keep an eye on her at school.

I have to say that it's probably a good idea to let her continue to talk on the phone with him (around you). Hopefully, it will play out on its own. I'm sure you know this, but be very careful about letting her hangout with friends away from your house in the next little bit. My friend would sneak out of my house to meet the boy. I'm not trying to scare you, but teenagers are so smart now...even smarter than we ever were.

Good luck to you and your family. I know this is so difficult.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:20 AM
 
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I'm really sorry--this must be so hard for you. I was sort of like your daughter in high school; I wasn't sexually active at such a young age, but I did get into a lot of destructive relationships and I made some incredibly poor choices.

I agree with the PPs who are advising you to be careful about forbidding her to see him. Unfortunately, that will create sort of a "Romeo and Juliet" complex and will likely make her want to see him even more. The fact that she went so overboard insisting that she's going to marry him and have his kids, etc. makes me think this is even more likely. I like the idea of stipulating that she can be with him on chaperoned dates, they can go to each other's houses when an adult is home, etc. That way you're not forbidding her to see him, but you're also not giving her a blank check. I think it's good that she's going to be in therapy--talking about this with a neutral observer, who doesn't have a personal stake in the situation, may be very helpful. Kids will often listen to another adult over a parent, even when that other adult is saying the exact same things that a parent has said until they're blue in the face.

I agree with trishg1--your daughter is looking for something. For me, it was a sense of belonging. I didn't feel like I really belonged anywhere, and I didn't feel like I had a lot of value for who I was. Unfortunately, I got that "validation" from a lot of guys who treated me poorly and knew how to take advantage of my vulnerability.

Fortunately, I did grow out of it and ended up with a master's degree, a rewarding career, and a happy marriage with a baby (and only getting pregnant when I was truly ready). In a lot of ways, I was lucky. Like your daughter, I'm very fortunate that I was never raped or worse, considering some of the dangerous and stupid things I did.

For me, what made a huge difference was knowing that I could always go to my parents. I knew that they would be angry and I would probably get in trouble, but I never had any doubt that they loved me or that I would be welcome in their home. I think that, if that hadn't been the case, I would have run even faster to the wrong side and maybe not come back.

Just keep loving your daughter, make sure she knows how much you love her and want her to be safe, and maybe think about stipulating that she can be with her boyfriend under adult supervision only. Hopefully she'll see soon that she deserves someone who treats her with respect.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:53 AM
 
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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Do not blame yourself. No matter what we do as parents, sometimes one kid just takes the long route to success and happiness.

I agree that forbidding them is not going to work. They will lie to see each other. They will say they are going out with "Sue" or "Dave", who will agree to lie for them because they think the parents are being ridiculous! They will see each other no matter what you say unless you plan to have her in your presences all summer long.

GOOD LUCK!!!! (((((((((HUGS))))))))
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