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spunky7 spunky7 is offline
 
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Dating Advice!
Old 02-07-2018, 11:01 AM
  #1

So I moved to a pretty big city a few months ago to take a job in a spec ed school. Work is great, its my personal life that's tough right now. I started talking to this guy over Christmas break, and we officially met New Years Eve. I liked him a lot, spent the night at his house, really got to know him. We have spent 3 afternoon/nights together since then. The problem is, he lives 40 minutes away and I don't have a car. I take the bus to see him. He also has 3 kids and has partial custody. At most, I see him for one night every two weeks. I was supposed to see him last weekend but he cancelled and said he was tired. We talk every day for the most part. He started kind of ignoring my texts Monday night. He stopped replying. I texted him last night and he ignored me again. Even after a month and half, it sort of seemed like he was ghosting me. So I made a date with another guy for Saturday morning. He lives close to me and doesn't have kids. I get a text from the first guy this afternoon saying his kids have been sick and he was too busy to respond to my texts. I understand being busy, but it takes, what, 10 seconds to text someone goodnight? We're also FB friends and I know he's been online. Not to sound stalkerish, but it kind of eliminates the excuse of being too busy. I really like this guy, but after dating for so long, there's been no talk of making things official or even concrete plans to hang out again. I have a great time when I'm with him, but he can get moody. I do get butterflies when I'm with him, but that's not that rare for me. I fall fast and hard. I also tend to get over guys pretty fast. There is definite physical attraction. He also doesn't make spending time with me much of a priority. I get it, kids are important but I also don't want a one sided relationship, because I've done that before.

I seem to have a lot in common with this new guy, but now I feel guilty. I'm talking to two guys at once. Am I doing anything wrong? I know we aren't official, but I feel like I still owe this guy where we spent so much time together. I also don't want to lead the second guy on. I just don't know what to do. I thought I was never going to hear from the first guy, so I wanted to move on. Should I just go on the date and see what happens? This isn't cheating right? I'm just so confused about what to do. My mom says that its not fair that this first guy doesn't make time for me. I don't go out with other guys because I'm waiting for him and we rarely hang out. I think she just wants me to be happy and have fun because she's a mom
Morally, I'm just struggling with what to do. I want to be happy obviously, but I also want to be kind to both guys!
Thanks for any advice!


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See Both for a while
Old 02-07-2018, 11:11 AM
  #2

and see what happens. Why not? You are not married. I don't see a problem. You are having fun and getting to know them.
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Old 02-07-2018, 11:23 AM
  #3

If guy one canít make you enough of a priority to even text at this early into a relationship, itís not going to get better later. Youíre doing the work in the relationship. Heís not. Youíre traveling to him. It should be at least 50/50. Donít keep trying to make a relationship work that isnít.

My opinion is to put him in your rear view mirror and move on.
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Dating
Old 02-07-2018, 11:24 AM
  #4

Continue seeing both. You are not in a committed relationship with either one.maybe guy #1 was having a bad week and doesn't express feelings, or maybe interest is waning. Wait and see what he does next.

Meantime, get to know guy #2 and see where that takes you.
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Old 02-07-2018, 12:46 PM
  #5

Marguarite2 is right on with her advice. The first guy hasnt done much towards building this relationship and that does not bode well for a future. In fact, he has given you several reasons to end the relationship. Who is is too busy to respond to a text? He has a car and you ride a bus to see him? You deserve better and this relationship has red flags. Dont let yourself be treated this poorly and move onto greener pastures. Just sayin...


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Old 02-07-2018, 12:57 PM
  #6

Agree with Margurute2 and Math WA . . . time to move on. He's not making an effort.
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Dating
Old 02-07-2018, 01:07 PM
  #7

You aren't doing anything wrong by dating two people at the same time. However, it doesn't sound like the first guy is making much of an effort to see you. It isn't fair that you take a long bus ride to see him, and he hasn't come to where you live. His moodiness isn't a good thing either.

Since you have a lot in common with the second guy, the relationship sounds more promising.

Good luck with it all. Dating can get complicated sometimes.
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Old 02-07-2018, 02:21 PM
  #8

Go on the date and find out more about the 2nd guy. Don't wait around for the 1st guy,if you are available and in the mood hang out, but don't put your life on hold for the first guy [any guy for that matter].
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Old 02-07-2018, 02:37 PM
  #9

You sound way more invested in first guy than he is in you.
The first guy is leading you on.

But you really haven't been "seeing him" for very long. You said you started talking over Christmas break. So about 6 weeks ago. It takes longer than that for my hair to grow enough for another haircut! My point is 6 weeks is nothing unless you have both clicked. Trust me --- you will both know if and when that happens. Sick kids, exhaustion, work -- none of that stuff will stop communication. 40 minutes is not too far for him to drive to see you after work. Many of us have daily work commutes that long.

Relationships work because they work. Not because you want them too. Not because you think they should. Not because you try to make them work.

Go out with second guy.
Go out again with first guy.
Find a third guy and go out with him too.

Have fun.
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Old 02-07-2018, 04:09 PM
  #10

People usually make it a priority to do the things that are important to them. There are several red flags with the first guy. If he is not responding to your texts after just six weeks, then he is showing you what is important to him. Move on to someone who makes you a priority. Good luck with the new guy!


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Old 02-07-2018, 04:24 PM
  #11

It is not wrong to date more than one person at a time as long as they know you are not exclusive. I dated several guys when I dated after my divorce. They knew. Dating is seeing if anything develops it's not a relationship. I don't think guy 1 is that into you. My now dh drove 2 hours this way to see when when we were dating and didn't mind.

Now, I wasn't sexually active with these guys while "dating" them. That to me should be down the line when you are exclusive.
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Old 02-07-2018, 06:08 PM
  #12

Thanks all for the advice. Iím definitely not a priority for guy 1, but at the same time he treats me well when weíre together and we have a lot in common. I did tell this guy I wasnít talking to anyone else, which I wasnít at the time, but that was when I thought weíd be hanging out soon. Heís texting very little now but if we started texting more Iíd have that conversation. Guy 2 knows Iíve been casually dating but seems like he wants more. As for sleeping with them, I have done things with guy 1 but weíve spent 3 weekends together. Iíve never slept with multiple people Iím dating but I have often slept with people I have no serious relationship with. At my age, I feel like most guys expect it at least after a few weeks. Itís nearly impossible to find someone who doesnít. Anyway, Iím going to go out with guy 2 and see what happens and just be honest with both guys if it comes up.
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Old 02-07-2018, 06:50 PM
  #13

Guy #1 has 3 kids. I would go out with guy#2. I went out with two guys in one week. The second one is now my DH of 28 years!
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Old 02-08-2018, 02:18 AM
  #14

I wouldnít waste my time with someone who didnít make me a priority. You deserve it..

Are you texting and trying to contact guy #1 daily? I wonder what would happen if you stopped?
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Old 02-08-2018, 03:37 AM
  #15

I would put guy1 in your rear view. You're putting way more into it than he is, and that's not a solid way to start things.
Also, I wonder if he isn't seeing someone else with how infrequently he's communicating with you.

Have fun getting to know guy 2!
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