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Illini Teacher Illini Teacher is offline
 
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Could use some good thoughts/prayers
Old 03-08-2018, 11:31 AM
  #1

Saturday is my oldest's 13th birthday. Currently can't get her dad to discuss the day with me so that I can figure out when I can see her (his weekend). We split the day so we both have time with the birthday kiddo per court order. We usually are okay getting plans made and working together/spending time together/for the kids sake on birthdays. Now that there is a fiancé that lives there everything is off kilter. Daughter has told me the day is already planned with dad, fiancé, brothers and fiancé's daughter, I am an idiot for not letting her do what she wants to on her birthday and basically screw off.


Just need some good juju that it all works out. One of the downsides of divorce is stuff like this and I hate that my daughter essentially told me off because she is in the middle (I had no idea fiancé texted her and made all the plans with her, again no one included me) and telling me off is safe, while telling dad and fiancé off is not. Yes, she was punished for her comment as that is not appropriate, but I think it made little impact.

I was prepared for it to always continue to be difficult, but this one stings. She literally would not be having a birthday if it was not for me!!

Illini


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Birthday
Old 03-08-2018, 11:49 AM
  #2

Sending you prayers and positive thoughts that the day turns out perfect for all concerned.
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Saying a prayer for peace and understanding
Old 03-08-2018, 12:03 PM
  #3

I hope everything works out and you get to enjoy her birthday with her as well.
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(((Illini)))
Old 03-08-2018, 12:15 PM
  #4

Ouch! That hurts! Maybe you can celebrate a different day from now on if her birthday falls on her dad’s weekend. Sorry she took it out n you.
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Old 03-08-2018, 12:27 PM
  #5

Not always easy when parents are divorced. Maybe you could take her to breakfast on that day—just the 2 of you, unless that was part of the plan. Just an idea🙂.


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Old 03-08-2018, 12:31 PM
  #6

I think celebrating another day sounds like a good idea. Most of us don't have to do that until our kids are grown and jobs, distance, and in-law families make things more complicated. Divorce sometimes hurries that up.

It sounds like your daughter is excited about the day already planned. I understand the hurt, but it might be better not to fight that and plan a second, special birthday celebration on another day. 13 is hard under the best of circumstances.

Last edited by Cassyree; 03-08-2018 at 03:15 PM..
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Birthday
Old 03-08-2018, 01:11 PM
  #7

Since it is his weekend to have her, celebrate the birthday another time. It will make things a lot easier for you.
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Old 03-08-2018, 01:44 PM
  #8

I agree with Cassyree.....13 is hard under the best of circumstances. I'd let her have her birthday with her dad and I'd celebrate with her the next weekend. I know it's hard as you're her mother.....but try to make the best of it. Do something fun for yourself that day because as you said....she wouldn't be having a birthday if it wasn't for you! Congratulations, Mom....you now have a teenager! Prayers are helpful, believe me!
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I agree
Old 03-08-2018, 01:49 PM
  #9

I'm sorry that you have to deal with stuff like this, but I ditto the idea of celebrating on another day.

And the little vindictive, passive/aggressive side of me would make sure that her celebration with me would definitely come before the one with her dad. But that's just me.
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Old 03-08-2018, 02:14 PM
  #10

I am sorry you’re dealing with this.


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Splitting time on a child's birthday ??
Old 03-08-2018, 02:20 PM
  #11

Making a child's split his or her time between parents on their birthday?

Seems like just the idea of that would put a lot of stress on a child, no matter what the age.

I imagine that it does hurt, but it sounds like your ex and his fiancée have moved on and want to create memories with the newly formed family. Be happy that they are planning a celebration centered around their newly blended family.

Although it hurts, your daughter was honest with you and expressed her wishes for that day,even though your divorce papers have stated otherwise. As other posters suggested, plan for an earlier celebration on the years her birthdays fall on her dad's weekend with her.

It's hard, but for many divorced parents adjusting celebrations like you're having to do are being done all the time.

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Old 03-08-2018, 03:50 PM
  #12

Please, please, please...as a child who grew up with two angry divorced parents...be the adult and don’t make your child feel guilty or have to choose.

My sister and I are in our 50’s and still deal with the ridiculous selfishness and spitefulness of our parents. We have developed a pure hatred of all holidays and avoid them at all costs.

It is not your children’s fault that their parents divorced. Even without realizing it, things you say and do will cause stress and guilt feelings within your children.

My SIL and her Ex are amazing and celebrate all holidays together even though there are new spouses.

From real life experience, do whatever you need to to raise happy, healthy children. They didn’t ask for parents that divorced-that is the adults’ choice. Children will carry that burden unfairly, if it’s not done correctly, for the rest of their lives.

I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but please figure out how to make it work for your children’s well-being.
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Old 03-08-2018, 04:21 PM
  #13

So....many years ago I learned that it's the celebration, not the specific day. Just think about it. There ate going to be many more birthdays that don't fall on Dad's weekend, so you will be the winner most years.

On years when you are not the winner you should choose another day to celebrate. If you make it special, she will remember it. If you insist on seeing her on her actual bday it sounds like she will be resentful. Do you want that?

It is going to be very hard on you that day, but I would find something to do time treat myself and distract myself. Remember you will get more bday days with her!
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The actual day...
Old 03-08-2018, 05:15 PM
  #14

...is NOT that important. I am divorced. My daughters are grown and in their 30’s. My ex and I always put the girls first. Always. I have spent more thanksgivings at my ex’s house than I ever imagined possible. It is not that bad! His new wife cooks for me and I bring a dish and it is all good. We never asked the kids to choose. In the long run, fake it till you make it and it will be better. My ex was a rat but we are back as friends again and co-grandparents and it just makes life easier for everyone. Dh and ex get along great too! Your grands will love seeing all grandparents share love and not venom. It takes work but you can do this. Put the child first.
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Old 03-08-2018, 06:28 PM
  #15

As a divorced mom of 5 kids, I agree with everyone else- let go of the idea that you have to celebrate on the actual day. Don’t make her split it. Have an amazing celebration on a different day. I know it’s hard- I have been there. But it really is what’s best for her.
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Old 03-08-2018, 07:17 PM
  #16

I am praying! I agree that it might be better to celebrate on a different day. It would be a difficult position for her to be in if she had to refuse to do this with them. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must hurt so much. (((HUGS)))

Nancy
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Old 03-08-2018, 11:07 PM
  #17

I agree with the choose another day consensus, but I think you should also plan a special ‘birthing day’ celebration for yourself. What makes you feel special and pampered??? Shopping? Mani/pedi? That special sweet treat? You deserve a special day for bringing that teen into this world!! (And not taking her out of it when she gets all 13 on you!!) 😉
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Thanks everyone.
Old 03-09-2018, 09:44 AM
  #18

My kids are always first and I almost always just back down and do whatever needs to be done so they aren't in the middle. It will all get sorted out. Like I said we are really good at the kid's birthdays so this threw me for a loop.

Also, those of you who have healthy grown up ex relationships I applaud you! Mine will never be like that but I'm okay with that. It is all about winning and beating me whenever possible, but I live peacefully with myself most days. This one was a doozy for sure! Needed to type it out and get it out of my head!

Illini
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:01 AM
  #19

I am not divorced, but I have two adult children. Both have lives of their own. Birthdays and holidays have been celebrated many times on days other than the real thing to accommodate the different schedules of all the people involved. I agree to plan your own celebration on your own day. Enjoy!
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Old 03-09-2018, 12:08 PM
  #20

Find a time that you and your daughter can have a mom and daughter talk, unless you think this will end in an argument. Otherwise make plans together for her birthday, another day if necessary. As you do so, let it be known that you love her and as a mother, her birthday is an important day in your life. If their plans are what she wants, acknowledge that you aren't out to spoil her plans but are hurt that the three of them planned her birthday away without any thought to how you would feel about it. You can still celebrate her birthday around their plans. This might take some of the edge off. Birthday celebrations can be so overwhelming and if both parents have separate events in the same day it seems to me that it would be so stressful sticking to time constraints.
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